Spineless for 2008

I am a bit of a weak willed whiner when it comes to dealing with any sort of negativity or confrontational things.  Which is weird, because mostly, I am not weak willed.

Does that make any sense?

I think what it boils down to is that  I will pick fights that I know I can win – road rage is fun!  Or it is something I am really really sure about.  Add any insecurity and I turn into a spineless wimp and pray I can make Crunchy Husband do the talking for me.  Heaven help me if it is him I am fighting with!  Maybe this is why he wins more arguments than I do.

My pathetic example today.   You have heard me moaning about the daycare I was doing.   CH hoped I could stick it out to pay of my credit card.   I have done it for 6 months and my card balance remains unchanged.  Life, however, seems to have done a complete nutter.

When I took on the daycare… I was not pregnant.  We did not think that CH’s mom would die.  I did not think I would feel so wretched. I did not think my depression would spiral into snarky rages every 5 minutes.  I did not foresee losing my baby.

It seemed like a good idea.  And moooooostly (said hesitantly) it was.  The kids mooooooostly get along and having someone drive Adam to school was rather nice.

However.  BIIIIIIIIG however.   I was already spoiled by my free wheeling scheduless days prior to school and being ‘tied’ down by the two extra kids.  Making appointments became a bitch again.  Much like when we were all working!

The noise level was a bit stupid.  To the point that if CH was trying to work, I had to forget any activities that required using our table as it was right beside his office and lunch time was bad enough.  Forget trying to have a telephone conversation or think.    So unless I took the kids outside, they were mostly sparring for play space up in the kids room..leaving a disaster of broken and unorganized toys in their path.

And this was only four days of the week.

The massive too-ing and fro-ing was getting stupid and tiresome too.   Not too mention expensive for gas, etc.  Time wasn’t allowing for as much walking as was my health or the weather.

My mental state was being exacerbated by dealing with the extra kids….who by themselves are quiet and nice little boys.  But stick em with my two little maniacs and KABLOWEY!

It is sad to say that my kids have been more of a problem than them.  It it just that having the two boys here was making things more difficult for me.

I am sad to say that while Caity seems unaffected mostly by all the insanity of 2007, Adam has not gone unscathed.

He is very angry these days.  Extremely emotional.  He is also leaning towards self-hurt.  He pulls on his face.   He gets into HUGE rages over very small things….talking him down is like talking down a guy of the top of a building.   He has called himself stupid.  He has told us he wants to die.  This crushes us .  Destroys us.

This is our shining light.  We adore him.  We feel like total failures for being – no doubt – the cause of this.

I have to fix this.

Apparently he is just like his dad at this age.  The gives me SOME comfort, but I have to get control of my own ‘issues’ and therefore gain the strength to help him instead of being part of the problem.  Which is what I feel like these days.

So….anyway…..back to the spineless part…..

So because of all these deep and dark thoughts.  I told CH that I no longer wanted to do the childcare.  That for 2008 I wanted to work on healing.  That meant getting rid of stressors.  The biggest being the daycare situation.

I wrote a polite letter of termination.  Then totally freaked about handing it to my daycare parent and when was a good time and how to broach it.   She is too good a fighter (the mom) she would have left me moaning in the dust.

So I gave the letter to her roommate when she came to pick up the kids.

How pathetic is that.

Then I jumped with glee when we had not heard from her by the time we headed out to grocery shop.

I was surprised that no message was on the machine on our return.

The phone rang when I was …otherwise engaged in the washroom….CH answered.  He is waaaaaay better at talking to her than I.

Apparently I get tomorrow off and she didn’t say anything else about it.

Phew.

I am so spineless that I feel little guilt in letting my big strong and well spoken husband stand up and speak for me.

I am woman…here me whimper and whine.