I am a bit of a weak willed whiner when it comes to dealing with any sort of negativity or confrontational things. Which is weird, because mostly, I am not weak willed.
Does that make any sense?
I think what it boils down to is that I will pick fights that I know I can win – road rage is fun! Or it is something I am really really sure about. Add any insecurity and I turn into a spineless wimp and pray I can make Crunchy Husband do the talking for me. Heaven help me if it is him I am fighting with! Maybe this is why he wins more arguments than I do.
My pathetic example today.  You have heard me moaning about the daycare I was doing.  CH hoped I could stick it out to pay of my credit card.  I have done it for 6 months and my card balance remains unchanged. Life, however, seems to have done a complete nutter.
When I took on the daycare… I was not pregnant. We did not think that CH’s mom would die. I did not think I would feel so wretched. I did not think my depression would spiral into snarky rages every 5 minutes. I did not foresee losing my baby.
It seemed like a good idea. And moooooostly (said hesitantly) it was. The kids mooooooostly get along and having someone drive Adam to school was rather nice.
However. BIIIIIIIIG however.  I was already spoiled by my free wheeling scheduless days prior to school and being ‘tied’ down by the two extra kids. Making appointments became a bitch again. Much like when we were all working!
The noise level was a bit stupid. To the point that if CH was trying to work, I had to forget any activities that required using our table as it was right beside his office and lunch time was bad enough. Forget trying to have a telephone conversation or think.   So unless I took the kids outside, they were mostly sparring for play space up in the kids room..leaving a disaster of broken and unorganized toys in their path.
And this was only four days of the week.
The massive too-ing and fro-ing was getting stupid and tiresome too.  Not too mention expensive for gas, etc. Time wasn’t allowing for as much walking as was my health or the weather.
My mental state was being exacerbated by dealing with the extra kids….who by themselves are quiet and nice little boys. But stick em with my two little maniacs and KABLOWEY!
It is sad to say that my kids have been more of a problem than them. It it just that having the two boys here was making things more difficult for me.
I am sad to say that while Caity seems unaffected mostly by all the insanity of 2007, Adam has not gone unscathed.
He is very angry these days. Extremely emotional. He is also leaning towards self-hurt. He pulls on his face.  He gets into HUGE rages over very small things….talking him down is like talking down a guy of the top of a building.  He has called himself stupid. He has told us he wants to die. This crushes us . Destroys us.
This is our shining light. We adore him. We feel like total failures for being – no doubt – the cause of this.
I have to fix this.
Apparently he is just like his dad at this age. The gives me SOME comfort, but I have to get control of my own ‘issues’ and therefore gain the strength to help him instead of being part of the problem. Which is what I feel like these days.
So….anyway…..back to the spineless part…..
So because of all these deep and dark thoughts. I told CH that I no longer wanted to do the childcare. That for 2008 I wanted to work on healing. That meant getting rid of stressors. The biggest being the daycare situation.
I wrote a polite letter of termination. Then totally freaked about handing it to my daycare parent and when was a good time and how to broach it.  She is too good a fighter (the mom) she would have left me moaning in the dust.
So I gave the letter to her roommate when she came to pick up the kids.
How pathetic is that.
Then I jumped with glee when we had not heard from her by the time we headed out to grocery shop.
I was surprised that no message was on the machine on our return.
The phone rang when I was …otherwise engaged in the washroom….CH answered. He is waaaaaay better at talking to her than I.
Apparently I get tomorrow off and she didn’t say anything else about it.
Phew.
I am so spineless that I feel little guilt in letting my big strong and well spoken husband stand up and speak for me.
I am woman…here me whimper and whine.
BetteJo says
I dunno, I think we all have areas we handle better than others. It’s good that CH is good at something you may not be. On the other hand – I am sure there are things you are good at that he is not. You compliment and support each other. Not a doggone thing wrong with that.
Oh and please – don’t beat yourself up for needing time to heal and to concentrate on your family. It’s healthy! Give yourself a well deserved break Hon, and take care of you and yours. That’s top priority right now. 🙂
Loralee says
I see zero here that puts you in the spineless category.
You have had a hell of a year. You need to be as kind to yourself as possible. You don’t need one more thing.
If you are a bit sensitive and wary of confrontation, well, there are lots of that are like that. That doesn’t mean that you are weak.
I think it is sweet that your hubs knows that this is difficult for you and shielded you, frankly. I know that there are areas you will pick up the slack for him.
Any person with any kind of heart will understand your decision and have compassion. Even if it is inconvenient for them.
Focus on you and your family. Getting through this is really all that should be your priority right now.
Marilyn says
I probably would have done *exactly* the same thing.
And yes, you need this time for you and your family most of all. That’s the most important. I think you did the right thing.
DirkStar says
Too often it seems as if the message of our society is that we must always be “doing” something. We’re also always supposed to be doing something for someone else. Taking time for ourselves is considered selfish and wasteful. God forbid we ever choose to let someone else do something for us. Given what you’ve been through I am glad to see you throwing conventional wisdom out the window. Follow your heart… It will tell you what you need to do or not do for yourself.
As Mr. Spock said, “Sometim4es the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.”
Crunchy Carpets says
Oh Dirk…a Spock quote is too perfect for this geek.
Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom says
Whatever it takes for you to be able to bring the stress level down and focus on your family is what is important.
SQT says
I agree with Loralee, you’ve been dealing with enough. I tend to be the one in my family that has to take the ornery pill and deal with stuff because my husband doesn’t like to do it. But I made help me out when my parents were getting really overbearing. I had been running interference between them and my husband for over a year and the stress was awful. I figured he could speak for himself for once, it wouldn’t kill him.
I bet you speak for yourself plenty. You should just allow yourself to heal right now and not deal with any B.S.
corgimom says
Honoring your need to hibernate from some things is not spineless…
Here’s another Spock quote for you girlygeek:
“Change is the essential process of all existence.”
–from “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”
Molly says
It sounds like 2008 needs to start off healing for you. Thinking of you and your family.
claudia says
YOU are watching HER kids. YOU don’t owe her a darned thing. She would be a total idiot to try to fight back with you after what you have been through.
Take this time for yourself and concentrate on your family and heal more (if it is possible). There is so much strength in you yet, woman.
mo-wo says
Good call.
But I do know the feeling of seeing myself as not ‘tough enough’. Come on. You are a mother. You are one tough broad.
Call it picking your battles.
Redneck Mommy says
Sounds to me like you are taking care of business.
You were just ‘delegating’ and prioritizing by allowing the hubs to help.
Take care.