Caitlyn and I have been watching Dietland on AMC together. We are really enjoying it. It is doing a great job of tapping into the many issues that are hitting women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and demographics in 2018. It is based on Sarai Walker’s novel of the same name, which I have NOT read. I do however love the writer of the tv version, Marti Noxon.
My mom had mentioned that she had checked it out and was sad that Julianna Margulies character was ‘bad.’ I disagreed with her. Every woman on this show are just examples of types of women we may encounter out in the real world who are just being women doing their thing. They are all surviving. They are all playing the game and the show makes no bones about the game being about how to survive in a man’s world.
Kitty does it her way. Plum (the protagonist) is figuring out a better way to do it her way. Kitty has the advantage of being thin and good looking, but she feels the pressure of keeping that up and fighting aging.
Ageism: myth or reality
I lost my job back in February. It was not a pleasant experience as I loved that job, but it had been getting more difficult and more stressful to manage for the last few months, so I wasn’t surprised that it ended like that. And it certainly shook my confidence in myself and my ability to bring home the bacon. The long slog to find something to replace the position has not been fun either. I have been doing contract work for a young man who is starting his own agency and the fact that he values my experience and knowledge has at least helped my ego if not my pocketbook. But in my industry anyway, ageism for women does indeed exist. Go and look at the listings for positions in marketing. The agencies describe themselves or the role as being ‘energetic, high-energy, and fast-paced. They talk about needing to work hard and get rewarded with beer fridays or unlimited vacations. Basically, they are saying that they are young and hip and want young (childless) and hip people who seem to have started working when they were 12 because they also want 3 plus years experience, oh and you have to be an expert at EVERYTHING. Oh and we will only pay you $15 an hour. The non-agencies are not much better as anything digital or social has been portrayed as a young person’s world.
Digital marketing is considered a youthful playing field suited for junior roles in the company. I just saw one that I got really excited about until I saw that on top of managing all their content for the company, they wanted the position to support the switchboard and do an Excel spreadsheet test as part of the application process. Sugah, I have been working on Excel since I was 18. Don’t ask me about testing my skills.
In Dietland, Kitty works as hard at keeping her looks as she does her job. Julia, Manager of their ‘beauty basement’ fights for her position armed with wigs, masses of makeup and Spanx. They both know someone younger and leaner is ready to step into their positions. But they, like me, are so tired of all this ‘proving’ ourselves and fighting for respect and value.
The amazing invisible woman
A blogger friend shared an older article from The Huffington Post about middle age and the phenomenon many women find of becoming invisible. I turn 49 in a month, so this article resonated with me. My perception of ageism is making me shouty in my ‘dotage.’ I don’t necessarily feel invisible (written off in the job market sure) but I do think I am viewed as safe. I notice people of all ages and genders are happy to talk to me. I am ‘comfortable.’ My weight, I am sure, comes into this too. I am not a threat to husbands or boyfriends or the corporate ladder. While Plum is confronted on a daily basis by disgust at her weight, I find I am just met with…relief? Am not actually sure. That is how it feels. I have never been fat-shamed at least not to my face. So does that make me invisible?
Let’s talk about weight
Plum says she feels imprisoned by her fat. She is aware of her weight all the time. I am not. I don’t feel fat. I feel like me. I feel like the fun me that can do goofy poses or dance around. I don’t really notice how overweight I am until I either try to squeeze through a space too small for me or I look in the mirror. I hate mirrors. Let’s not even talk about clothing and sizes. THAT is when it gets real. That I can’t just shop ANYWHERE.
It depresses me though because the inner me is still quite cute and filled with confidence but when I look in the mirror or see photos of me I see how that inner confidence just looks foolish or almost non-existent in the real fat self.
The reality is I need to lose weight for my health not just for my looks. But my comfort blanket is food and I would rather hide away than hit a gym. However, with kids that love me and want to do stuff with me – out there – means I can’t just hide. I have to do something.
I figure this post is a good step. If I can publicly share my struggle with weight and body image, I can then share my struggle with fighting it. I lost a good chunk of weight in the new year just by watching my calories. The job loss messed up my discipline and I reverted to my comfort eating habits. I need to get back in the saddle so to speak. I will try to share any progress I make. Obesity and depression go hand in hand and I have been struggling against that specter for a while now.
Like Plum I am hoping my rage against the world these days will give me the strength and resolve to change things.
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