Knowing Where You Come From

Tis the Sunday before Xmas and through the house, not a creature was stirring….hahahahha who am I kidding.  Not a creature is stirring for 5 farking minutes downstairs because one kid is in the tub, and two are playing video games.   I have a sleeping cat and dog keeping me company while I am given a moment to breathe and eat the Quality Street that they haven’t noticed yet. 🙂

For many people, for many reasons, Christmas can be a trying time of year.  I have pretty much made my peace with the holidays and how they will play out for me.   This does not stop me from losing my shit and feeling a tad ‘stretched’ by the urge to keep things special for myself and the family. Why do we do these things?  Why do we try?

‘We’re making memories, dammit’ is the joked about refrain….but it is the truth too.   As I have shared before, Tara is the one in the family who feels deeply about building her sense of identity through what her family does now and what they did in the past.  She asks a lot of questions about our extended family and what things I did as a child.   Consistent traditions that she can call her own are important to her.   And I get that.   As it was to me too as a child.

The other kids don’t seem to be as interested or as needful of these things, but I think keeping and building a tradition around the holidays like Christmas is important to them.  What we do as a family builds and cements what sets us apart from other families.   We all ask and compare what others are doing….we all wonder just ‘how’ happy others are at the holidays…..or if we are all trying to projects ‘pinterest’ versions of our families to the outside.

I attended a lovely birthday dinner recently with my mom.   I honestly had not paid too much attention about whose party I was to attend.  I just knew that they were some distant cousins and mom had met them a year prior.  There I was, a stranger amongst a lovely group of family and friends to share this gentleman’s birthday and life.  It was a wonderful experience and the affection and warmth in the room was like a warm blanket against the wet stormy weather outside.

But it also brought back a lot of feelings and memories.  For so many Christmases, thanks to our circumstances, my mom and I were the “poor relations”   The ones who got asked to Christmas dinner who were included because….well “someone has to help them.”  We sat at my cousins table, or even more uncomfortable, the dinners my grandmother (dads mom) put on with that family and I just felt simply awful and always so so grateful to be back home – just me and my mom.

For mom and I, those Christmases were just reminders of what we had lost.    This continued after we came over here to Canada.  We were awkward additions to the Canadian family’s holidays and did not quite fit in.  We weren’t part of their traditions or history. We enjoyed the times when we were invited to friends homes, but again…we were not their family…it was THEIR traditions.   Not ours.

Even getting married did not give us a big family with traditions that we could be a part of….my husbands family were not big into celebrations due to their own experiences and now with both my in-laws and the children’s great grandmother passed on – leaves us with my brother and sister in law and my darling nephew.   He is lucky to be born into a large family on his moms side and they mostly roll along with that world and are creating their own traditions.

So now, with three kids…there is enough of us to make a fun enough Christmas with our own little traditions that work for us right now.  I am sure as the kids grow bigger things will change but I think I will be okay with that now.   While I rage at the mess and the bickerting and the fact that my house looks (as the meme says) like I a lost a game of Jumaji, I will keep at it until I drop.  They Christmas lights hide the stains on the furniture and dust under the tv…..it all looks pretty for about 5 minutes and that will have to do.