I was laying awake thinking the other night…..how completely different each of my children’s early years were for being in one family. One family that hasn’t traveled or experiences too much craziness…….
Adam..the first was brought into a world to a mother who was TERRIFIED of what she had done. I really think I just went through the motions for the first little while. I found it all very very hard.
Adam was raised by a village of doting relatives who held him and fussed over him and when he wasn’t being held and fussed over, he did spend a lot of time sitting…sitting in his bouncy chair, or laying on the floor with toys and me….near by.
I think I kind of sucked.
Caity was born and was more vocal about her needs than her elder brother and so she was held. A lot. And she was in slings, and bjorns and so on…where Adam had been in a big fancy stroller.
Adam was fussed over and cared for by OTHERS in the family, while I dealt with Caity.
Again….I think I kind of sucked.
We have a HUGE gap between them and Tara…she was brought into a world of siblings…siblings who were old enough to not feel too jealous about all the attention she got as THEY were and are the ones fussing over her.
Still….I do take care of her more than anyone in the family. Guilt perhaps…who knows.
Adam was raised by me at home and a work from home dad until around a year. I then found a part time job and my mom would come in and look after him.
I worked a little bit when Caity was born..but not for long. It didn’t work out and I was too focused and comfortable being home with both my kids by then.
Both Caity and Adam are close to my mom though. She took them to drop in activities, walks, babysat and was generally there for them 24/7.
She has been working more and again..I have been almost guarding Tara through her baby years and with Patrick working out of the home after many years AT home…things are totally different again.
She fears Tara isn’t as close to her…..I doubt that since she shrieks ‘nana’ when she sees her…..but she is just more used to me than anyone else.
Still sucking at all this..but maybe slightly better is sharing myself with all the kids?
I will freely admit to find three extremely stressful….mainly because there are three individuals with individual issues that all need taken care of…feelings that have to be danced around, emotions hurt, knees hurt, school problems, the list goes on.
They are all different. Are they all different because of their early years? Or were they all born different.
My girls seem strong. Tough…..stubborn.
Adam is needier. Softer…..Things hurt him more…..where they just enrage Caity. Is it is because he was not held as much as I think I should have? It isn’t like I didn’t hold him….He slept on me or his dad many time. Patrick walked him to sleep at night held in his arms. We doted on him….but perhaps we doted wrong?
I love my boy. His hurts and frustrations, especially those directed at his frustrated parents, hurt me. Stay with me. I worry about how he feels about me.
Watching him grow up hurts more …..somehow. Watching my girls grow up is different. Why, I don’t really know.
But I look at him….and I can remember holding him…I can remember the way his little newborn head felt in my hands….
And I love him.
Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves says
I know that my two children are completely different, and I’ve spent some time wondering if that is a result of me as a mother, or is just their personality. I think it may be a little of both.
I think as long as you’re truly doing the best you can, then that’s all you can do. Try not to analyze what happened in the past and look to the present. There’s nothing that can be changed by worrying about things you would have done differently.
I can bet that Adam knows you love him.
Heather B says
I totally know this feeling about my first born also! I feel like somehow he got cheated by my lack of knowledge on how to parent and his little sister got the good side because I was a pro by the time she was born! I ponder it often but realize that I can’t change it! I can only make his present more of what I wish his babyhood had been!!!!!
Stephanie says
Oh my gosh, I’m welling up! This post shows just how much you love your kids and what a great mom you are. Love love love…. 🙂
Yasher says
I think moms generally think they’re doing everything wrong or did everything wrong or will do everything wrong. And those that don’t are the ones who are too wrapped up lying to themselves and others about being super-mom.
My thoughts, being the mom of a 5 year old and a step mom to 16, 17 & 22 year old ‘kids’, is this: if there is love, then they are okay. It doesn’t matter how this love is presented. It doesn’t matter how much they are held. Love is love. What drives them first and foremost (again, in my ‘expert opinion) is their personality.
My brother, sister and I all grew up 2 years apart from each other, by the same parents, in the same home, in the same way. We are all very different. Personality.
My daughter shares strong characteristics of her half brother and her half sister, though the older kids have lived in another province since before my daughter was born. Personality.
If you ‘kind of sucked’, then you can join the club (or are we joining yours?) because you’re not alone. And I’ll bet our mothers felt exactly the same way, too.
Lindsay Dianne says
All I can tell you is my own experience.
Our daughter was a babyworn child. I held her for 9 months, until she started walking. She is fiercely independent. She can go away without her mom for 7 days without batting an eye.
The reason I chose to be a baby wearing, attachment parenting mother was that everything I read said that when you foster a healthy attachment in the infancy stage, it leads to confidence in the following stages because the bond is so strong. This means that yes, a child who had one on one with his/her mother with plenty of holding and cuddling and closeness will sometimes be more independent and better able to deal with separations.
That doesn’t mean that a child who hasn’t had that is doomed. It just means that they’ll need a little more encouragement from you at an older age to give them that confidence in your relationship.
Every day that you’re there for your kids is a day that you are aiding them in those bonds and in that confidence.
Every passing minute is a chance to parent the way you want, so don’t feel guilty. 🙂 You’re doing wonderfully.
harrietglynn says
Aw…. First born are always sensitive IMO and all kids are different. The reasons are far too complex to pull a part.
Tanya says
Oh how I wish I was a better mommy to my first born. I had PPD, no patience and felt completely useless as a mom unless I could do it all myself. She was only nursed for six weeks, I feel like I didn’t hold her enough (I distinctly remember being at a birthday party when she was six weeks old and leaving her in a bouncy chair while I socialized), I think my mom was closer to her than I was….and I try to let it go. I try to tell myself that it’s ok, life goes on, give up the guilt. She is such a sensitive kid now and I wonder if that’s because I expected so much from her when she was little. Oh the mommy guilt. My second was nursed until she was 13 or so months, and held all the time and she is very confident and outgoing. I have no idea, but I wish the guilt would just go away.