So my son has taken up ‘cussing’ lately….which isn’t surprising since I have a terrible potty mouth and it gets worse the more frustrated I get…and my son tends to frustrate me.
He tends not to say anything TOO bad…but there is a lot of DAM this and DAM that….and is somewhat more forgivable than the surreptitious middle fingers my DAUGHTER is flicking at him behind my back.
Anyway….he is usually raging with the big D word because I have asked him for like the five MILLIONTH time to please pick up that piece of FUCKING LEGO that I asked you to pick up 6 hours ago.
And thus many of our conversations seem to play out these days.
I have tried everything with this boy when it comes to things like eating and cleaning up mess. I have read about how large portions of food will overwhelm a child…so he gets TEENY tiny portions of each food group…….it still turns into bargaining on how many bites will be required to gain ice cream later….and this also takes HOURS.
I understand that “clean your room” is a large and nebulous statement…..so I break it down. ” Can you make your bed please.”
“Great….can we work on the lego that is under your tv table?”
This doesn’t work…so then it is….”I have found this great box here that you can put the loose lego into….we can sort it all together later!”
If I step away….nothing is done. If I start doing it myself…..nothing is done. If I stand over him fuming…..nothing is done.
He will find ANYTHING to distract him…..Tara, the weather, his emotional well being….I swear this boy is looking for a doctors note stating that he is too fragile for us to ask him to clean up after himself.
EVERY SINGLE REQUEST requires a verbal dance and time wasted……I don’t know how my blood pressure stays the same.
EVERY SINGLE REQUEST turns into him raging at the injustice of it all…..
I have tried many tactics. Hubs and I have done good cop bad cop. We have done reasonable discussions about families working together…how it all takes a team effort….we have done the bit about responsibility…..we have done the THIS IS MY HOUSE DAMMIT….we have done the if you do this then we can discuss THIS reward….he then fixates on the reward and not the path TO the reward.
And it is always someone else’s fault.
Always…when we follow through with the no swim date, no play date, no video games till this ONE task is completed, he prefers to waste energy raging at me, his dad, his sister, life, his room…..anyone and anything except himself and just shutting up for a minute AND DOING IT!!!!
What is that?
What have we done wrong???
It just all seems like pretty basic stuff and this is basic stuff that we have stuck with since he was old enough to understand…..it’s not like this has been sprung upon him recently.
Also…teeth brushing…..this seems to come to him as a total surprise EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
Bed time is also a bit of a shock as is dinner and homework.
Like it hasn’t happened BEFORE!!!!
I would just like one day when I say time to getupgotobedmakebedtimefordinnertime etc, that he would say….awww okay…and DO IT!
I keep waiting to see if he will figure it out one of these days…the light bulb moment…like he gets with math or reading….but so far, NOTHING…except more gray hair for me.
I would LOVE any ideas from the more calm and experienced moms out there.
pomomama says
This is very much what we’re dealing with at home too – sheer rebellion and grumpiness at the drop of a hat. It is exhausting – every change in activity results in grunting, bad moods and so on. I cannot remember being as defiant to my parents.
Good luck – I’m sure it will pass (I hope it will pass) 🙂
Nicole says
I know nothing, because I have a toddler (although your stories are kind of terrifying).
That said, I read a post on the Advice Smackdown (or maybe it was Amalah’s TheStir.com column) about how they put in a time limit for her older son’s dinner and then all of a sudden, dinner was done in a reasonable time. Noah has special needs, of course, but I’m wondering if something like that wouldn’t work for other kids and other activities. Set out a timer so he knows how long he has left.
And I know it’s hard, but if he wants to rage, let him rage. But don’t acknowledge him – all he wants is a reaction. And then when he’s done raging, well, he still has to clean his room, right?
Like I said, I’m kind of talking out of my ass so you can take it or leave it.
Tanya says
Is your son 6 – 7 years old? My gosh his attitude sounds very similar to my seven year old’s. Every morning we go through the “get dressed, brush teeth, brush hair, put on coat and boots – don’t forget your backpack” discussion. And asking her to clean up? Fergetaboutit. She tells me that cleaning up is a parent’s job. I told her that when I was growing up we just did what our parents told us to do. One thing I found that helped us is a point system, points can be given and taken away. It started when she asks me for some toy and I told her that she has to earn it. We discuss how many points to earn for a specific item and she gets a point for cleaning her room, being helpful, getting ready without being asked etc. It took a few months but she is now cleaning her room when I ask (ok it’s not spotless but every little bit helps) without a fuss. As for homework, I find the earlier in the day (i.e. right after school) it is done, the more energy she has for it. If I wait until 7pm, she’s a tired mess. Good luck!