As Tara and I sat down to watch an episode of Dinosaur Train (her new thing is dinos), I realized that Tara is probably the first kid o’mine that I have spent a lot of time with all alone.
Now that the other two are in school all day, Tara and I get to hang for six hours together…just the two of us and just one nap to break it up.
We usually don’t get to far afield these days. I putter and she plays and climbs all over me and we go outside for a bit if it sunny and that is our day.
Nap time is for work (bloggy/writey stuff) or housework, or phone calls or heck even a nap for mommy. Because if she is up..it is all her all the attention and nothing else can get in between.
When Adam and Caity were little, their father-figure worked from home. Now granted, a lot of time he was in his office or asleep as he tended to work on a night shift pattern instead of days, BUT he was there. And we were both free to run errands together or tag team baby watching and so on.
And I was never alone with a baby.
This is the first time I have been like many many other moms out there and ALONE with a small active non verbal creature.
And it is fine. I am enjoying it. She is cute and funny and lovely and I can’t stop hugging her and just enjoying her.
Cept when she is wrecking things, drinking the dogs water, spilling cat food, smashing my keyboard, opening cupboards…..well you know how it is.
Everything about having Tara has been different than the other two.
Adam is a product of being first. We were nervous, antsy parents and everything freaked us out. But we did all the ‘right’ stuff too. Music Classes, Gymboree, Infant Drop In’s, and so on.
Caity had more confident and more relaxed parents. We had done it once and could do it again. Even when she was being a total pill, we felt we could manage just fine…..together.
A few factors have destroyed my ‘rhythm’ with my child rearing…..the five year gap between Caity and Tara was more than we had planned on to begin with. I appear to have forgotten more than I ever learned about the baby and toddler part.
Losing a baby in there certainly destroyed our feelings of parental confidence.
Pregnancy was once again an anxious time for all involved.
And Patrick went to work outside the home a couple of months after Tara arrived.
This was a bit of a shock to the kids who were used to their dad being around. Starting school and adjusting to dads work hours was quite tough. I found it rough too. Mainly in that I had to adjust to a whole new routine for the ENTIRE family WITH a new addition in the mix.
I got a bit wacky.
I was in fear of Tara ‘getting in the way.’ I worried about her disturbing the rest of the family. I took on all the feedings, diaperings, everything….I felt I had to do it all.
The fact that her sleep patterns have SUCKED for the now almost 16 months is due to my rushing to silence her every time she stirred.
Now I wake every two hours regardless if she does. Yawn.
I don’t know where my anxiety around Tara arose from. It is not like she was not welcomed or not wanted. We all waited anxiously for her arrival.
But for some reason I have acted like she is ‘my’ baby and mine alone…..which has been hard on the rest of the family.
I have managed to let go many of these feelings now and have struggled to let OTHERS deal with her more and more…and love how she seems to adore her siblings and call out ‘Dadeeeee’ when she sees him. She is a happy loving child that rarely ‘makes strange’ with anyone or any circumstances.
But I wonder….will she feel ‘closer’ to me than Adam and Caity because of all this one on one time? Is our bond different? I love Adam and Caity just as much…they are all special and wonderful. But Tara will always be our little baby….no matter how old she gets.
harrietglynn says
I guess Theo will be all of those wrapped in one. I feel like sometimes I’m a freakish parent of a first child (yes to music classes and gynmastics). And sometimes, it’s like he’s number 7. Hand-me-down everything. If chips will get you from here to there, then, well OK. I’ll have you sleep in a crib in a separate room and then essentially move into your room and cuddle you in the middle of the night. The inconsistency goes on and on!