The other day we received a call from the Doctor in charge of the Rocky Sleep Study that we volunteered to be a part of. Apparently we BOTH had scored rather high for depression when they were keying in our questionnaires.
I just laughed.
Really…what a freaking surprise.
Lack of sleep for a year tends to have that affect, didn’t ya know!?
With babies and all that comes with it…hindsight unfortunately seems to be the place where all becomes clear.
Especially if you over analyze things as I am wont to do.
I had spoken briefly to another blogger who was really suffering and wrote a very raw piece that has been haunting me (sorry for linking to you hon)….it was basically PPD but not the nice shiny clinical version. Not the version that you can mosey up with to your family doc and demand a fix. Her first year with her child was a lot like what I now remembered (foggily) my first year was like with Adam.
Emotionally hard. But not hard enough? Not hard enough for other people to really get. Not hard enough for you to reach out for help but instead to suck it up and get on with it.
When Adam was born after 36 hours of hard labour and way too much drama…I remember just wanting to sleep. I remember just wanting someone else to deal. I remember wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.
The feeling of guilt at feeling this bad when you are supposed to be all unicorns and rainbows and the image of maternal love is enough to drive any new mother completely bonkers.
You hurt,. You are tired. If you have had a rough delivery, you are in shock. You just want to sleep and curl up into yourself and heal your mind and body. You stare at this creature that they have handed you and you are like WTF do you want me to do with that??
And I would assume newly adoptive parents would feel like this too.
The sheer magnitude of what you have done….either nine months ago or through paper work and documentation doesn’t hit you till you see this little thing that all the world is telling you belongs to you and YOU are responsible for it.
And you just want a cup of coffee and some good sleep.
The first nights with Adam were a blur of terror and panic with bits of awe and wonder chucked in. We spent a lot of time just staring at him. Like he would vanish if we looked away.
You had to laugh or you would totally lose it.
We were all terrified of him. Terrified of every move. Being a total newbie at it all added to how totally overwhelmed a new parent can be and all the stuff that the nurses, your midwives, doctors, friends say just sounds sanctimonious and smarmy.
My body seemed to take MONTHS to recover. It no longer felt like mine. Clothes didn’t fit or feel right. I wasn’t me anymore.
I didn’t yet feel like a mother…but I certainly didn’t feel like the child free one from before either.
I really think I ‘pretended’ being mom for the first year of that kids life….then sort of grew into it.
With Caity it was different. I was a ‘pro.’ 😉
It was an ‘easy’ birth. I felt great. Fit into all my old clothes..she just rolled into our busy routine that we already had. Sure she didn’t sleep well..but we were used to it…we just tried lots of tricks and some worked and some didn’t.
I was too busy being mom to be depressed about anything.
She was fussy…but again….I had stood on the brink of darkness and terror and lived with THAT shame and the shame around an awful difficult pregnancy .
While Caitlyn’s fussiness and lack of sleep was trying….I knew what I could handle it. I just enjoyed NOT feeling depressed. I enjoyed NOT worrying about my feelings NOT being the RIGHT feelings for a mom.
And then came Tara.
I am still angry about having the c-section. Not that it was awful or traumatic. But I am mad at myself for not having more confidence in my abilities to deliver this stubbornly breech child. I am mad at myself for not thinking a birth plan through more thoroughly. For not convincing my midwives to work at home on delivering her..yadda yadda.
BUT…at the time….after Scott…we just really wanted her out. I was done. I was done being strong. I was done being the ‘right’ sort of mom.
So cut me open they did and the dam scar annoys me so much…it is right on the edge of where my …pubes..grow and it ITCHES!!!
I did recover fairly quickly from it. And felt fine.
Had good energy. Good spirits…..felt in control of looking after this little yet another non sleeping creature….
But the non sleep has really taken its toll.
Once again….a year of a child’s life marred by something that I or my husband have no control over.
Once again..instead of being truly in the moment with this lovely little girl…..this year will no doubt be a bit of blur….and something that we will shudder about instead of remembering all the fun things.
With Adam..I remember…at least I think I remember….from the photos….they help…..all the cute moments. The sweet moments. But it does seem a tad hazy.
I remember holding Caity a lot more than I did Adam.
Tara gets held by me a lot. She is a mom girl.
But again…..the joy of all the sweet moments is getting lost in the haze of no sleep.
I worry about my memories of this time. I don’t want them to be spoiled by the horror that sleep deprivation has been to this family.
Life is filled with plenty of other distractions and worries.
We should be able to just enjoy our children. Be there in the moment. Drink in their scents, their sounds….it shouldn’t be marred by depression, or fear, or insecurity, or total lack of sleep.
We should be able to freely enjoy their tiny lives with fear or guilt or shame. We should be able to speak up about how we REALLY are doing. We should feel brave and proud for what we CAN handle.
That is why blogging is important. That is why things like the Mental Health Camp concept is important. When we realize that we are not alone. That others have or are suffering in the same was as us….then we can speak up and release all the pressure and negativity that festers in us when we keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves. When we don’t either get help or find a voice.
Friendship and understanding is the greatest tool a person can bring to a new mother, or someone suffering any other sort of difficulty..be it depression or any sort of mental health issue.
When I lost Scott….all the analyzing of that monstrous FUCK UP has been enough to drive me mad. My mom said she felt the same.
Finding blogs out there where others shared their grief was the best form of healing I could have ever gotten.
The internet is a powerful tool.
I think it can save lives.
I think it can help people.
It has helped me be a better person.
It is there for me when I need it and that alone gets me through any rough patches.
It helps me focus on the joy…the little things that fill our hearts to bursting.
It keeps me focused on why I became a parent.
So to all the first time moms who perhaps are worried about not feeling so ‘divine’ in their new role…it’s okay.
You are not alone.
There are plenty others out there.
Some just hide it better than others do 🙂
followthatdog says
After my 2nd I suffered from PPD. Instead of seeking appropriate help, I wallowed in my misery, blamed myself for not being able to just “suck it up” and feel better. When I did talk to my doctor and was diagnosed, it took over a month before I allowed myself to “admit defeat” and take the prescribed medication. I felt like I was weak and blamed myself for being a terrible, spoiled mother. I cried every day. I contemplated suicide. I fantasized about running away from everyone and everything. I hated myself for feeling the way I did, and I hated myself for not being able to pull myself out of it through the power of positive thinking. And this is how I felt even with the knowledge that depression is a real illness, not something put on like a sulky teenage tantrum. I grew up in a family that had a history of depression. A family where family members had been successfully treated with medication. And I was unwilling to help myself.
Until I did. And then I realized that the worthlessness I’d been feeling were all features of the depression. That treatment lifted the guilt and the anger and the fear. I no longer cried every day. I no longer wanted to run away. I was me again. For 18 months I stayed on the medication, then I was able to wean off them (though not everyone can or should). I’ve been fine since.
I feel for you. And the lack of sleep certainly doesn’t help. I hope you feel better soon.
Marilyn says
Well said. I spent much of the first year of K’s life stressing out over various things – his fussiness, my lack of sleep, my uncomfortableness with being a full-time mom, etc. I don’t think I had PPD but it was hard all the same. It helps to talk about it for sure – over the net or in person.
.-= Marilyn´s last blog ..Butterbeer Recipe Showdown- Which is Best =-.
Texan Mama says
Wow, beautifully said.
.-= Texan Mama´s last blog ..The Post in which You See More of Texan Mama Than You Intended To =-.
Amber says
I think my beginning with Hannah was a lot like yours with Adam. Thankfully, though, Hannah decided to sleep after the first few months. It saved me. But looking back, I still feel sad about it. I feel sad that her beginning was marred by all of that. With Jacob, I had none. I can see how great it can be, and I wish that I could have given the same thing to my daughter.
This stuff is all so hard. And I really think we aren’t meant to do it this way. All by ourselves in our little houses, with no one who’s been through it before to help us.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Routine Chaos =-.
harrietglynn says
Lack of sleep makes me literally crazy. The rule in our house when Theo arrived (and the rule still stands) is that when one of starts swearing, the other has to get out of bed and take over (for the first 6 weeks, Theo was an up every hour and take 45 minutes to feed guy). I still find myself so irritated by early wakeups (and this is with a kid who sleeps 10 hours in a row and often more). My irritation takes over ALL logical thinking. I cannot imagine a year without sleep. it’s proven to cause nervous breakdowns. Anyway, great post. I have no hope to offer you except that, as you know, eventually, this too shall pass.
.-= harrietglynn´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – the “modelling” edition =-.
Raul says
Kerry,
Thank you SO much for blogging and linking to Mental Health Camp. It’s people like you who help break down the stigma.
Much love,
Raul