As part of the Rocky Sleep Study control group…we were to discuss safety for our darling bundles. I think we are doing it wrong…
And she took a small tumble down the stairs too….I was beyond rushing and she shook it off. Hmmm
That is what sleep deprivation does.
However…this weekend was really the first time I have TOTALLY lost it…to the point where I just couldn’t even have her in the house…I needed silence. I needed rest and so did the family. I tearily called mom to TAKE HER AWAY and she did..for a couple of hours….and we slept. In silence.
In ten months..that really isn’t bad.
I don’t know what psychological disaster has created my mindset over this child.
Mom was pointing out that she felt she didn’t know Tara as well as the others. That she hadn’t done all the stuff she had done with them…especially Adam. She was around the boy almost 24/7 helping us from the start. We really sucked as new parents.
She looked after him in the mornings when I went back to work part time.
I realized that from the start, I have felt some sort of weird ‘duty’ to be the ‘one’.’ The one who does it all..who bears the weight and brunt of the no sleep, the crying, the clingyness and so on. I have felt that I HAD to show everyone I could do it..could manage her and the kids.
For some reason I have felt more judged over this one than others..when the judgement isn’t there.
Or is there…I know Patrick prayed for a kid who would be mellow and sleep…and we got the total opposite. I have taken this personally for some reason. Like I did this….so therefore then I feel this need to keep her away from negative people or feelings. To hold her to myself and not show her little baby flaws.
Where is the therapy when you need it right?
I know this has caused me to be more withdrawn..more insular. Instead of sharing her and asking for help….I feel bad to do so…even though my mom LEAPS to my rescue at the slightest word. And so does Patrick….I know he hurts to see me not speak of how I am dealing. But I don’t want him to resent her.
She is so beautiful and happy…she just doesn’t sleep. And screams about it too. Rather loudly.
Caity gets upset about the thought of our little Scott. She also gets upset at the thought that perhaps Tara would not exist if Scott was with us. This is big stuff for a 5 year old.
Perhaps I feel Tara has to be extra perfect to stand up to the dream baby that Scott is……was.
Shy and retiring she is not.
You are being really hard on yourself. Please take all the help you can get. I have been reading your blog for years and you are an awesome and insightful mother and person. This is not your fault. You need help. Do you know that the Geneva Convention doesn’t allow prisoners to he deprived of sleep? Yet we expect new moms to heal and breastfeed on little sleep. In your case you have a child who isn’t sleeping and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (not yelling, but I don’t think you can hear that right now.) You have a lot going on and no one is their best self when sleep deprived. Please, reach out and get some help with her. You will feel so much better, and you are a wonderful person who deserves some help. Bless you.
Some kids spend their every waking minute trying to work around your safety measures. My Jacob is like that. No matter what I do, he finds a way to endanger himself. Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do but TRY to keep an eye on them. And even then, you might not succeed.
It sounds like you’ve had a tough slog. I hope that you can work your way through this to get the help you need. Moms need help, man. NONE of us can do this alone, and we really shouldn’t have to.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Trying is Awesome =-.
Asking for help is not a parenting fail (or if it is then I am the failiest of us all), especially when sleep deprived. Also baby flaws is an oxymoron. I never got it when people asked, “Is she a good baby?” What does that even mean, aren’t all babies good? Yes, she’s a shitty sleeper but she’s still good and so is yours.
.-= the mombshell´s last blog ..true dat =-.
Aw…It’s nothing that you’re doing that is wrong, or flawed. Some kids are just like that and we all aren’t “Super Mom’s”. We all need help and it is ok…repeat OK to ask for it. There is no shame whatsoever in asking for help. You’ve got 2 little ones and that’s a big job. Give yourself credit for the good work you do everyday!!!
PS-my son had colic for 3 months…after that he’s been rockin my world. Last week he learned how to pry open the baby locks…dum da dummmmmm.
.-= Kimberly´s last blog ..Cheers To Happy Trails And Happy Periods =-.
As the mom of a second child who we’ll say was a tad “difficult”. And by difficult I mean he came out screaming and didn’t stop for two years. You’re being too hard on yourself. Sleep deprivation is a bitch. They did a scientific study on it with rats and the rats who they deprived of sleep? They were all dead or dying within 7 days. If it wasn’t for the help of my family and friends with my second bundle of joy, I don’t know if I would have survived. They each come with their own personalities from the moment they are born into the world. On a good note, it’s now almost six years later and he’s an amazing little kid who lives life 150%
.-= Sharon´s last blog ..I Have A Terrible Life Mummy! Terrible! =-.