My husband brought this article to my attention. It was being ripped apart on an an entertaining but misogynistic forum he reads. But I think they were justified.
Read the article and then imagine if it had been written by a man instead of a woman. Imagine the big outcry there would have been.
Why is there not an outcry…..or do you think she was right?
“And when I got home, I seethed. I couldn’t walk across the living room
without tripping over some plastic toy or container of wipes. The baby
was in the same little nightgown she’d slept in the night before. There
wasn’t a hint of dinner on the horizon. He was home all day—couldn’t he
at least run a freaking load of laundry?”
Would this statement NOT raise your hackles if it was written by a man? A husband?
I find articles like this a very sad example of what a relationship is supposed to be about. The narcissism and selfishness appall me .
Sure, be upset that he isn’t doing what YOU imagined him to do. But DO remember he is raising YOUR child and enabling YOU to have your career. What would she have done if he had gotten a great job. What would have happened if he got a great job AND then told her they had to relocate??
The irony here is she is an editor of a Pregnancy magazine and blog!
When you read this stuff. AND the chic lit. AND all those ‘tongue in cheek’ books about marriage and relationships…you really have to wonder how on earth communication and understanding could have gotten WORSE in the 21st Century instead of better.
People seem to have gotten so self centered. Modern and young (and hip, I suppose) parents seem more concerned about their image and connections vs. family and home.
This article and show seems to have sent indignant ripples across some of the mommy blogosphere just now.
And I personally think they are making stories where they don’t exist. But it seems to have cheesed a bunch of people of and once again shown up some of the cliquishness on the blogosphere.
I have no problem really if a bunch of friends who are moms arrange for get together and enjoy a glass of wine. But I don’t consider that a playdate either.
A playdate is something I set up for my kids. So they can play with kids that THEY like. If I like the mom, then great….a bonus for me!
And I do have a few fun playdate friends out there and do enjoy getting together with them. But the focus is the kids.
So I think people have different ideas about what a playdate is. I also think people have different views about what spending a day being a mom is all about.
Some like to pack their days with activities…the less time at home the better.
Me? Not so much.
Sure I like to make sure the kids are doing SOME fun activities and playdates. But I also enjoy time at home with them where (in between blogging!!) I set em up for painting, crafts or we get out for walks or bike riding, etc.
But that is me. And I cannot judge other people. So really I cannot judge ANYONE for having something stronger than juice to drink at a playdate. What I do question is, what is the purpose of the playdate to them? Who comes first here?
And before we freak about motherhood does not mean giving up your life for your children…yes, I agree..but I also think substance has to take over just a smidgen from style. Somethings DO have to change.
Or is that just me?
Check out my friend Southern Mom of 2. SAHM’s UNITE!
Edited AGAIN to add…..This Woman who is quickly becoming my muse and mentor. She is a wise woman. And I thank her for linking to my little rant.
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Wendy says
Clap, clap. I think you hit the nail on the head and expressed what I couldnt in my reply to these cocktail parties with kids.
I often shrink in social situations, because my focus is my kids and husband. It appears that most people dont agree with that and I end up answering questions about why I dont work, etc. Yeah, it is hard and yeah, it is not fun all the time, but what in life is?
I was wondering, lately, how it would be to have a job along with the family. The problem is the job would be exciting and fun in the beginning and then the politics would come in and I would be done with it all. One of the main reason I quit my job before I even got married.
This is why I blog and participate on bulletin boards. And yes, it is about the kids most of the time. They are my focus and what I like to talk about it. Is that so wrong?
One last thing, I could not live in a relationship where I was expected to bring home the bacon. I am just not ambitious when it comes to the business world. However, I am very glad and appreciate that my husband is that type of person.
Sorry, didnt mean to be so long. It is nice to find someone on the blogsphere that is not praising the baby cocktails.
KWiz says
Your response about the article is very timely. In the West, it seems, we look at relationships (marriages) as “What’s in it for me?” When we don’t get what we feel we need, it’s “I’m not in love with you anymore,” or “I need some space,” or “Let me find someone more compatible,” or any number of self-absorbed responses. I’m sort of newly married (almost 6 years), and it hasn’t been easy at all. Nevertheless, my husband (he stays at home as well, but for different reasons) is great with our daughter, and loves us so very much. So what if the house isn’t perfectly organized. So what if things aren’t exactly the way the should be. I’m sure the woman who wrote that quote has a few weaknesses herself, and probably some skeletons waiting to escape. Nonetheless, her husband accepts her (it seems). Things will never be as they should be, but why can’t she accept him, flaws and all? (Sometimes easier said than done, but so worth doing!)
empress bee (of the high sea) says
oh i just LOVE a good rant! i was here earlier and it wouldn’t let me get the comment in but seems fine now. odat had a rant too. just makes me want one of my own! i’ll be smiling the rest of the day…. think it’s an “old” thing honey?? oh and crunch? don’t tell anyone but i put aspirin in odat’s birth control pill thingy so your children may have someone to play with soon, she pissed me off, she had my meds and i found them in her comment box! first she had my glasses and then my meds and honey you know how i get when i don’t get them, right? all because i took her diary and left it at melons…. sigh. well crunch, have a lovely day dear, i know i will, i’m off now to make my rounds in the comment boxes. i love it when everyone is at work and i have them all to myself all day long….. wheeeee
bee
SQT says
So let me get this straight? This women, who doesn’t stay at home with the kids and resented the first husband who did, writes for Parents magazine? How does that work?
I would’ve hated her more if she didn’t end up marrying another stay-at-home dad. Whatever her issues with her first husband, I suspect they had little to do with the fact that he was “just” a stay-at-home father. Perhaps she felt like there was an underlying laziness that had nothing to do with what his role was, but whatever her issue, she didn’t express it well.
Overall, I think the article was fairly insulting. I can’t figure out how the woman was able to be a career writer. She clearly has a lot of arrogance, but not a lot of talent IMHO.
Julie says
I felt very sad for her when I read that article. Life changes affect relationships. I just think it’s sad that ultimately “looking cool” was more important to her.
I’ve called playdates such from babyhood. My oldest is just now reaching the age where she has preferences for friends. Prior to that, we socialized with my friends and their kids. I don’t get the issue with calling that a playdate. We arranged it for the kids. Happily, it turns out that these kids have become her best friends.
In all honesty, I think expectations of a stay-at-home parent beyond parenting are a little unreasonable, regardless of gender, so I agree with your point there.
As far as communication goes…I don’t think it’s worse. I think our expectations are evolving due to some role and societal changes. Our skills simply haven’t caught up yet. We’ll get there.
Stewart Sternberg says
You know, it’s difficult being me. When I read these postings about relationships gone bad, or about selfish men, it is difficult for me to identify at any level. It’s the curse I have of being the perfect man.
toyfoto says
You make some really well reasoned and passionate points, however I would like to respectfully disagree with some of your conclusions.
I know many dads and moms who just aren’t holding it together because they are finding compatibility too daunting. It sounds to me like Amy – of the essay – and Mark were having trouble dealing with depression and their own feelings of inadequacy – not uncommon for new parents.
That’s not to say that it’s okay to throw up your hands and walk away from relationships that are difficult.
Caring for children is difficult work, we all know this. And for some, though a labor of love, it’s not their ultimate goal. I don’t think these folks who find this out about themselves should be vilified. Amy ended up with a guy who wasn’t looking for the career glory and it worked out for her. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit a truth about yourself that goes against the norm.
As for playdates … I would also disagree. Our soul focus doesn’t have to be — and I might even argue shouldn’t be — locked in on our kids at all times during all “kid” functions.
I know that we like to think parenthood is all about the children, but at least a part of it should be showing the children that while they are an important part of the picture, they are not the only reason adults have for continuing to breathe. For me playdates are as much about ME being stimulated by the ideas of other adults as my kid getting a chance to stretch her legs and play with other tots.
I think there has to be balance.
Crunchy Carpets says
I know that we like to think parenthood is all about the children, but at least a part of it should be showing the children that while they are an important part of the picture, they are not the only reason adults have for continuing to breathe. For me playdates are as much about ME being stimulated by the ideas of other adults as my kid getting a chance to stretch her legs and play with other tots.
I think there has to be balance.
I totally agree that it is about balance and I by NO means devote my life to my children…but I divide up the time between kid time and ME time and or grown up time. I don’t think the two HAVE to mix. Sure it is great if you are in a group or community of friends that had or have kids around the same age. We have ONE couple of friends who have had kids. That is it.
So the playdates are with people that I sought out or were friends of my kids. So yes, it is great if we really hit it off and there are some…but again….don’t need a drink to have fun with kids and friends.
Playdate are in view different from a get together with friends and or family….and there I wont’ say no to nice glass of beer or wine!
With the article about the stay at home dad….I think you make valid points and look at it from a different angle..but again, think about this if it had been written by a man. AND think on it if you knew the real guy was NOT happy about his side of the story NOT being told and how he was viewed.
I think it is great to admit to your faults and weaknesses…..but it is nothing to be proud of.
Good debate stuff!!!
Her Bad Mother says
You raise an interesting point, CC, but I’m with Toyfoto on this one (the latter issue)… I don’t see why children’s enjoyment of playdates and parents’ enjoyment of playdates need be mutually exclusive. So far, I haven’t seen a convincing argument for NOT having a wine spritzer – or lattes, or mochaccinos or wheatgrass juice or whatever floats your boat – at a playdate; indeed, doesn’t the entire environment benefit from parents being relaxed and happy, rather than viewing it as a dull duty, undertaken for the sake of the kids? Best case scenario, I think, is exactly that – one where everyone enjoys themselves.
I have tremendously fond memories from my own childhood of lively picnics and barbeques with good friends of the family; adults laughing and enjoying themselves; kids laughing and enjoying themselves. This whole contemporary idea of the rigidly scheduled ‘appointment’ playdate that functions solely to provide ‘stimulation time’ for children strikes me as a little sad – I’d much rather just have fun *with* my child and with other families and generate an organic, *holistic* environment of familial and communal pleasure.
Crunchy Carpets says
well we are as unstructured as you could possibly get around here.
But two kids makes things a tad more challenging too….I thought about that as I watched moms and tot’s meeting at a local coffee shop. Can’t do that with a two and four year old..you really can’t unless they are angels.
Playdates around here are usually at a friends place that we can let them run riot and I am driving.
Or meeting at a playground where we can chat while the kids break their necks.
We do lots of get togethers are our house so we can chill out a bit more. ANd that is usually where I crack open a cold one.