When people tell you having kids doesn’t change you, they are dead wrong. The moment, back in 2002 that we walked back into our apartment with this living extra piece of luggage that we had not left with, our lives were changed forever. Not just our lives…but us. Who we fundamentally we were as human beings. Even my mom. Becoming a grandmother, shook her to her core. Caring for her grandson and then next two became all encompassing to her. We were not longer just us….we were a family and we would (and still do) do ANYTHING for our children. Slay dragons, build castles, chase away schoolyard bullies.
We stared at that little mewling creature in awe and fear. We were waiting for people to tell us what to do. I was waiting for some magical instinct to kick in and I would just ‘know’ what to do. Instead we stumbled and fumbled along until slowly we started to get the hang of this parenting thing.
It took a while. Thirteen years in and two more children have not done much for the whole ‘expert’ status I kept hoping would just happen.
I love my boy. I think I love him more now than I did back then. Mainly because I was too scared of him. Too scared of the responsibility, and my thoughts were filled with the daily ‘what am I doing wrong now’ thoughts as we stumbled from one sleepless night to the next. We clutched our well read copy of The Mother of All Baby Books and then moved on to The Mother of All Toddler Books. I don’t think they really helped apart from showing that we were not the first to flounder at this whole keep a human alive thing.
Now I look at this tall, handsome young man who seems so effortless, so comfortable in his own skin, so confident and wonder and boggle at this human being I made. This creature who can absolutely infuriate us one minute and have us laughing the next fascinates me.
I think part of it is because I have never had the effortless confidence he seems to imbue. I was always a bit of a wallflower, while he seems to be encircled by friends all the time. His social calendar is always full. He is always in demand. He marches into new situations with apparent ease. He can speak to peers or adults with clarity and conviction. These are qualities I myself have had to struggle to grow.
So while he doesn’t have too much in common with his dad or I, one of the things he does share is my sense of humour. He makes me laugh. His eyes dance with mischief and I ready myself to reign him in before his exuberance at his own puns, pisses of his sisters or anyone else in earshot.
Reign in. Yes many times I feel I need to control the bubbling and fizzing energy within him. He can literally vibrate ……dancing from foot to foot….barely containing whatever flippant idea is sliding up to the surface. Pull it in…watch it, calm it….keep him focused….I measure the gleam in his eye….hoping that he will see the look in my face and understand.
Understand that I don’t want to hold him back, but rather focus all the energy and help create a more positive outlet for all … that…what lies within.
He is growing into a young man right before my eyes. A man with his own dreams, goals and ideas about what to make of his world.
We parents need to always remember. We don’t ‘make babies,’ we make human beings. Beings that for the most part seem pretty fully formed when they arrive and we, as parents, are there to guide that force and shape it into a wonderful being that will hopefully love us as much as we love them.
What I am trying to say is, Happy Birthday Adam….I love you very much and I am so proud of the crazy, passionate, impulsive person you are becoming.
Leave a Reply