I have struggled with this post. See, the women in this video put me to shame. My youngest baby is starting kindergarten tomorrow and my baby days are done. Also, this is an initiative is happening mostly across America. I am a Canadian and a Vancouverite. I have delivered at BC Women’s and Burnaby General. I am hoping this post will help support the Milk Bank at BC Women’s Hospital of which I was very grateful to be offered milk from when Tara was born. I hope that this post helps encourage women who can to donate to milk banks and donation initiatives across Canada and the US. Thank you Snuagbell for supporting World Milksharing Week (September 24 – 30, 2014).
Let’s get back to the shame.
My kids were bottle fed. Aaaaaaaand there is nothing wrong with that. But I really truly did want to breast feed and with every child I struggled as much as I could, but would last only a short while till I was begging for help to stop the crying that my breasts and the meagre amounts of milk they were producing could not stop. At the hospital after going through 36 hours of grueling labour with Adam, nurses tutted at me and my mom as we whispered in the dead of night for just something, any supplement so he would settle for just a moment so I could shut my eyes.
I had lost so much blood, I was so so tired, yet I was supposed to be producing something to satisfy this robust new life who had shattered my body. And my mind. I felt so stupid and useless after Adam was born. I kept waiting for some sort of secret mom file to be uploaded to my exhausted and addled brain and just ‘know’ what to do and what to feel. And I didn’t. All I wanted was to sleep. Just to shut my eyes and have people take care of me for just a few brief moments, yet here I was, the one who had created this new life and so the responsibility for ‘it’ for him was purely on my shoulders. I was supposed to be feeding this boy from my own body and I seemed to suck at it.
Everywhere I went people expected me to be popping out full boobs to feed him and I had nothing.
My luck was not much better with Caitlyn. A much easier birth….fast and I was munching toast and drinking orange juice as she squirmed beside me. My milk came in again in a trickle. I tried to feed her on demand as much as I could, but she was another fussy angry little soul and once again, I did not seem to have enough to remotely satisfy.
Then came our little Scott who died inside me. This was the cruelest irony. For yes, after his painful delivery, my milk flowed. My breasts swelled and leaked with milk that I had nobody to feed with.
So I COULD produce milk…..I read all the how to’s and tricks. I thought I persevered as much as the next mom out there, but obviously not good enough. I felt shame at my failure.
I was extremely excited about the arrival of Tara. Instead of the monstrously useless ob/gyn’s I had endured with my last 3 pregnancies, I found a midwifery group on Commercial Drive. I felt that at this point I was a veteran birther and should be able to take more control. Despite all the extra tests they had done for Tara due to losing Scott (which was all useless) I wanted this experience to be less medical and more natural. I was even thinking a home birth would be great. The midwives were wonderful and were ready to help me whatever I decided. Until our darling Tara went breech and stayed that way no matter what we tried.
I was not brave enough to try a breech home birth. I then knew that a natural delivery was going to be extremely iffy. As I laboured back at BC Women’s again, we could see that Tara was not going to cooperate and so surgery was scheduled and we got to experience a c-section. My midwife Tara on my boob even as they were sowing me back up. I tried to keep her on my breasts as I waited in recovery (apparently I bleed a lot and make them nervous). But the trickle was back.
As the night wore on back in our room, the midwife looked at me and said the magic words: “would you like me to see if we can get some supplemental milk from the milk bank?” I think I almost fell of the bed.
Being able to feed Tara ‘real’ milk was amazing. Being able to feed her ‘real’ milk enabled me to breath a bit. To slow down and relax a teeny tiny bit. My milk supply was atrocious, but we struggled on at home with my meagre takings and a small supply from the bank. I had tubes taped to my boobs so we could squirt the milk into her mouth. It was ridiculous. But not as crazy as the electric pump I rented with Caity. Even that monstrosity couldn’t squeeze anymore out of me.
I “gave up” with Tara too. But was and still am forever grateful to the women who supplied that milk. I wouldn’t accept any more from the bank as I felt and still do feel that that milk should go to babies and moms with more dire ‘issues’ than I had. However, my one caveat to that is that new and tired and sore and miserable moms should know and be offered milk from the Milk Banks everywhere. We are all told that breast is best and the formula is no good, so having the gift of someone’s milk offered to feed my hungry baby is the best answer when we can’t provide enough and need a little help.
I wish (though headspace was not right) that I had known about the milk bank when Scott had died. My full breasts then, perhaps could have provided a little meal to someone who was hungry and to some tired mom who just needed a little help and a little break.
Judgement from within and without is the cruelest thorn that jabs in every mothers side. No one really ever tells moms to be how dark a journey child birth can be. No one can really ever explain how exhausted and messed up your body and mind can get depending on what happens to you and your child. Age, fitness, birth partners, birth plans having nothing to do with it.
You have no control over the circumstances. This is nature. This is biology. You are just along for the ride.
We need to support moms and moms to be on this journey as much as possible. If you have milk to spare (as many moms do) check in at your local hospital and find out if there is a milk bank there that you can contribute to. Encourage breastfeeding, but don’t guilt moms about it. We are ALL doing the best we can. We don’t know the stories that moms are carrying around and we need to respect that. There is no shame in a bottle and there is no shame in bearing a breast that can feed a child. Support our moms no matter what they are doing.
Hillary says
Thank you for sharing your story <3
Lisa C says
Thanks for sharing your story, Kerry! I didn’t know about Scott. I’m so sorry. I lost my first baby almost halfway through my pregnancy & had to deal with my milk coming in too. Then I struggled to make enough for L & B after they were born. Thankfully the baby stage is pretty short, as endless as it feels in the moment… 🙂