The other day Patrick and I hurt my moms feelings.
Not the first time..I will admit AND I will admit that I have probably hurt her feelings AND apologized more this year than past….my foot must live in my mouth or something.
It was during the BBQ we were having to celebrate Tara turning one. So of course we were talking about her arrival.
For Patrick and I her arrival had been a relatively calm experience since we sort of knew how it would all pan out from our conversations with the midwives and doctors about our little breech baby.
We were prepared mentally for all that would happen….we knew Tara was fine ‘in’ there. We had had every test to tell us so. It was just how to get her out of there that was the issue.
My dream delivery was to have her at home. Not for all the crunchy granola natural reasons…but for the family.
My biggest worry about delivering Tara was what to do with the rest of the family during that time. I felt that if we had her at home..then that was solved and they would be part of the deal.
My mom was freaking out. She was terrified about me giving birth again. She had been with me when we were told about poor Scott. She was with me (eventually – when we begged my inlaws to please watch the kids) and Patrick when we finally delivered poor Scott.
She had been with me for visits to specialists, midwives, etc. I am HER baby after all.
So having Tara at home would (in my mind) help her too.
Instead….the total opposite happened….we ended up at BC Women’s at around 1 am.
Now I realize that BC Women’s is the place to have your baby…all the experts etc. But this is my 2nd experience there, and while the nursing staff do rock…they have issues.
First….could the admitting staff lighten up a bit?
Second….it is a place where you deliver babies….and not just FIRST babies..so perhaps you could be a bit more open and understanding about my KIDS wanting to be at the hospital near their MOM!!! Don’t act surprised that my children and mom are there FREAKING out. Show some sympathy and understanding. Babies die. Moms Die. You have walls of plaques memorializing shit like this.
Third..and they promise on twitter they are working on this…for a BIRTHING hospital….having ONE doctor who would grudgingly try to deliver my breech baby IF she arrived before his shift ended….not cool.
This added to our sense of fatality as my contractions grew. Patrick and new what was coming.
Meanwhile…we had woken up and left my mom at home with now awake and freaking out kids.
She was freaking out. She wasn’t fatalistically calm like we were. She had two overtired kids to deal with on top of her anxiety and my mom is not one to hide her true feelings. Not a self editing grandma is she.
So needless to say….while I lay there…and then laboured and then lay there for a bit thanks to an epidural and then lay around some more while they took FOREVER prepping me for surgery…..she was going insane with worry.
Which she projected onto the kids who were freaking and tired anyway…and so things were a total mess at home.
All the things I had tried to avoid. Had WISHED AND PRAYED to avoid.
I wanted my family to be a part of it all.
To have the hospital tell me that the family couldn’t be down there was totally heartbreaking. One more thing I couldn’t fix.
One more thing to worry about.
Suffice it to say…she and the kids were not the happiest bunch when they finally got to see me and Tara.
And suffice it to say…the feelings have haunted my mom ever since.
I feel terrible.
I feel awful that she and the kids didn’t get to be excited and joyful about Tara coming into the world.
I feel awful that it wasn’t a family event.
I feel awful that my voice over a phone wasn’t enough for my poor mom who just wanted to be with me.
I feel awful that we tried to make light of this at the BBQ. That we tried to chastise her for being so doom and gloom when we were not.
We were not in HER shoes.
I am sorry mom.
I am sorry I couldn’t make it the right birth for all….honestly I was so beyond it all….so beyond feeling responsible….I only wanted to be responsible for her and nothing else at the moment.
To my mom, to Adam and Caity who survived a rollercoaster ride….I am sorry.
Mom, I am also sorry if you are currently feeling put upon. I am sorry that I snap at you. I am sorry that we are not quite on the same page these days. I am sorry I have been so touchy about things.
I will try to do better.
Believe me…I don’t take you for granted.
I hope you don’t ever think that.
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