The beautiful Sweet/Salty constantly makes my heart explode with her ability to put into words what was aching in my heart.
She is an amazing writer and person for her raw honesty.
She has posted about the envy and jealousy she has felt by the badge wearing ‘perfect natural birth’ ladies. Â Â She knows this is unreasonable and unfair…..but we all do tend to share our ‘war stories’…and those who ‘soldiered’ through to the end ‘au natural’ and so on, are sometimes proud of their achievement.
And so they should. Â Â But I think that anyone who survives ANY birth with a good outcome for mom and babe should be proud.
But the ‘comparisons’ do persist, do they not?
While I have discovered a VAST loving and kind and supportive sisterhood after my loss – and before for that matter – there is also a competitive nature to us mom’s and women in general.
“You CHOSE to have a c-section!?” Have been uttered in real life and on the net by other women to new mothers, etc. The hint of condemnation hanging in the air.  “You FORMULA fed!?”  Has been exclaimed. The disgust dripping in the tone. You CHOSE to vaccinate your children!?
All these questioning tones….the onslaught on our egos and decision making.
From pregnancy to birth to parenting….we struggle with a need to compare. To make sure we are doing it right and right usually seems to mean doing it the same as other people are.
We sit in baby groups clutching our fussing young, wondering why THAT baby is so content. Or why is THAT baby sitting up by now. Or why is THAT child potty trained already.
I think there are very few of us who are TOTALLY confident and happy with ALL that we have done in regards to our children.
Adam’s birth was horrendous. And mostly due to my trust in the doctors and lack of understanding the whole thing.
I am still angry about that.
Caity was a lot easier….but mostly due to her and my body.
I can’t talk about the stillbirth of Scott…..that experience will be burned into my mind and the minds and hearts of my dh and my mom forever.
But THAT is where MY big guilt and pain lie. Â While my heart aches a little less now…it will be two months tomorrow…the sadness and pain and questions will never go away.
I do not think any blood tests or specialists will help alleviate my big ‘WHY?’
I do not think that I will feel 100% right about any future decisions we make about trying again or not. There is just too much baggage attached to it all.
That said….I am ok.
On Sunday my Princess Caity has been invited to a tea party with a friend. Being that I am friends with the parents, I am really looking forward to it. The mom was a bit worried as there will be pregnant mommas there.
I am ok with this. I am still able to be happy for other mothers and share their joy and excitement.  I do worry about how THEY will feel though.
Will I be a reminder to them about all the BAD that CAN happen. About the risk and danger of pregnancy? I hope not.
Happiness, Joy, Pain, Sorrow….all part of being alive. Everything shapes us. All the experiences that hit us, keep us changing…we are always in flux. I am not the person I was two months ago. I am not the person I was 10 years ago. I will not be the same person two months from now and so on.
My world view has been shifted again. Â But that is ok.
I am okay.
I do not feel envy.  I just feel regret.  My womb aches with it’s emptiness. But I am happy and wish good baby vibes for all the other mommies out there.
My competitive edge has gone.  I freely embrace all the mistakes I make .   I feel that no matter HOW perfect someone else appears….there HAS to be a story and insecurity under the skin of all people out there. We are all human after all.
Loralee says
Sweet and Salty pulls at my heartstrings, too.
It always amazes me that people who should be the most sympathetic, empathetic and supportive (OTHER MOTHERS) are the sources that a lot of mothers get the most judgment and criticism.
We are all in this together. What is right for one may not be right for the other. We should be able to find solace in other people going through similar things instead of being greeted with smug superiority.
Thank goodness that supportive Moms outnumber those types.
sweetsalty kate says
I’m so sorry about Scott. Just so unfair. I try to tell myself that all our children make us into the mama we’re meant to be, whether they stay in our dimension or not. Some days I buy into that, and feel somewhat peaceful. And some days I don’t, and feel just plain angry. I think that’s just how it’s going to be for us.
For me it’s not even so much comparisons of ‘natural’ births or drug-free or home births versus hospital births. It’s full-term, joyful, affirming, oblivious births, no matter how they occur. Straightforward births, with nothing to stress about other than minor indignities. That’s what I envy.
I’m so comforted by the voices out here, although I’m so deeply sorry you now have to count yourself among the bunch.
Marilyn says
Kate is marvelous, isn’t she? I devour her posts with a voracity I wouldn’t have expected to have. It’s been almost four years for me and there are moments when the pain is so FRESH. I loved that post from her too.
I could have written your post, I think, word for word. I’ve felt a lot of those same emotions. I know that what happened to our baby, our Jackson, changed me and our family forever. I can tell I’ve changed. I can’t say I’m altogether unhappy in the way I’ve changed either. The perspective I’ve gained is worth so much. Still, there are times a little voice says, “it’s not worth losing Jack though.” True enough.
Like Kate, I envy those with “normal” experiences. I wish I could skate into my due date without gut-wrenching worry. Alas.
Hang in there, we’re all out here for you.
Smiling Mom says
This is really a great post, and so true!
Redneck Mommy says
So beautifully said, my friend.
Pam says
You have put it perfectly. The post is really good and offers information for all mothers.