Howz about an hour at a McDonalds in the play area for a preschoolers birthday!
Noise of screaming happy children.
Noise of parents that I don’t even WANT to get to know REMOTELY any better trying to find out how WE know the birthday kid and where we live in relation to them.
Noise of my slightly germaphobic brain wondering if they EVER clean these places.
Noise of us actually telling our kids to finish their McDonalds meals. Seriously. WTF! Why am I demanding my kid finish his fake processed chicken blobs before he resumes screaming and playing.
Ooooooooooh
But Oooh! On my WALK (yes I walked) to pick up Adam after school, I spied a Coopers Hawk perched upon a tree above the path!
Cool huh?
I am starting to enjoy the lack of the daycare kids. MY kids seem to have settled down and are enjoying the undivided attention of their mommy (mostly) and have been a lot better with tempers and bedtimes and so on. I am a tad concerned about my apparent anxiety when faced with going out on my own. I had three opportunities this week to run my errands on my own and I panicked enough to stall. I MADE CH go to the birthday thing with me too. I wasn’t really up to facing those types of folks on my own.
I hope I get over this. Soonish.
The next slightly crappy thing that happened was we decided to hit the giant kids/baby supply store near the McDonalds to look at a booster seat for Caity. However….I had been planning on going there to buy a new stroller for Scott and seeing all that baby stuff was a real knife in my chest.
CH hasn’t quite been getting my ongoing grief. While he does grieve for the loss, and the horror of that day will forever burned in his brain. I don’t think he feels it like I do. So while I don’t blame him, it hurts to be told ‘Yes, but you have two other kids,’ when faced with shopping in a store filled with things I would have liked to have browsed for our new addition.
It was the same when my monthly visitor hit this week. For me it was just one more sign of what was not to be. One more reminder. For him, not so much. Just explained why I felt crummy and crabby, and I think, in his view that my reproductive plumbing works.
Anyhoo……we all deal in different ways and he is on his third helping of overwhelming grief…so really, how much sadder can he be right? I understand. Just a little frustrating.
That’s a lovely picture of Coopers Hawk, great shot! I enjoyed reading your article.
Thanks:)
losing the plans and dreams you’ve had for a specific child hurts like hell…and you’re right, it seems to be experienced very differently by mothers and fathers, generally. for me, it was exactly as you describe – every time i had to confront a specific thing i’d imagined myself doing with the baby, or a specific date where i thought something would be happening, i grieved all over again. for a long time. but for my partner, who loved our child but had had very few of those calendar plans and those projected ideas in his head, it was probably hard to fully relate.
i am so sorry. and the shot of the hawk? beautiful.
Oh sweet heart! McDonnalds with preschoolers does sound like hell on earth. As for not wanting to go out on your own, I entirely understand. And it will get less and less intiminating to be out on your own again as time goes on. That was a huge step going into the kids/baby store that had to be really hard. While I’m so sorry it caused you such pain and your husband said something so insensitive, I’m glad you went. In my various losses I’ve always tried to avoid anything that would make me think of the person, and undoubtably there always comes a day when your forced to go back in, I seem to think the greater the span the more involving the panic attack. Like my recent had to go trip to the hotel where we found out my Lynda was actually gone. I’m still somewhat panicy over that and still plan on avoiding that place, cause I just cant deal. I’m proud of you for getting through. As for your husband, you are right, everyone deals with grief differently. I also think, when it comes to unborn babies, a lot of the heavy weight is mommy’s to carry alone. When I had my misscarriage (not to say that it was the same as your loss) my partner at the time just couldn’t wait to get back on the boat and pregnant again. Even people who really loved me would gently say, you can always have another. I was the one that had already imprented this child in my heart, already had invisioned dreams for it, the one who was truely losing something real. I hope your husband can be more understanding, but I’m really glad you’ve got this place to write too, just incase he understands less and less. You’re in my thoughts and prayers sweetheart.
Cooper’s Hawks are so very cool! Glad one stopped by for a visit with you.
Sorry the grief still has its claws in your heart. Be patient with yourself.
As a very minor distraction I’d recommend once a day visiting cuteoverload.com. Just a thought.
Take care.
‘Yes, but you have two other kids,’ – Does that comfort him? He must be hurting too. Strange. Does he take enough solace in that?
I have never experienced what you have, but when you describe the feeling at the baby store I felt it, too. I can’t even imagine what you are going through.
Tis a lovely shot of a lovely bird.
It’s been two years and there are certain things I still can’t do by myself…attend family functions, go to church, shop in any store near the toddler department. It’s just too hard.
And eventually you and the hubs will be on the same page grief wise. It just may take some time. Go easy on yourself. And him.
We all know, duh, that emotionally men and women are different but something that I had to learn quick, fast and in a hurry after Jackson died was that just because they (men, fathers) express (or even internalize) their grief differently doesn’t make it any less legitimate. Although it sounds like he is being pushy in wanting you to ”move on”, so to speak, and he shouldn’t expect your actions to bend to his emotions, please please please don’t doubt that he is hurting or worse, allow it to impede your own recovery.
Sigh – I’m so sorry, friend. I wish I could express myself better but end of the day: Remember you guys are on the same team and find a way to meet both of your needs.
And, also: having ”two other kids” doesn’t make the third one any less dead so yes, I can totally see how that would grate and hurt. So many, many hugs to all of your family.
Ah, those days will be here soon enough for me…
When you get this there is a sad tale of an old man at my blog…
I think I could use a hug.