So it is almost Christmas. I (We) are doing ok.
I have managed to get ready for Christmas despite a stinking cold and everything else.
My doctor called me yesterday to tell me I have pneumonia. Great. But at least now I am on antibiotics, so hopefully it will kick this thing for good.
Mom has stuck by me like glue and helped me out with everything. Now she is sick. Poor mom.
I have to admit I kind of liked NOT freaking about Christmas this year, and having a valid excuse for it. I didn’t do cards and haven’t bought stuff for other people except for mom and and a wee thing for Crunchy Husband. I focused on the kids and even they are having a lighter Christmas than the usual excess.
Not that we do big Christmases anyway. Even when the in-laws were alive…they weren’t into Christmas and had no friends and family, so they were no bother. Our extended family has all drifted apart and so Christmas has been fairly quiet for a while. I like it that way. There is usually open houses and so on…but we are playing it casual. I do hope to see people over the season, but will see how we feel day by day.
So, hopefully mom won’t be too sick, I will be getting better and we are planning a dinner on Christmas Eve that we will drag CH’s grandmother too and then a mellow Christmas day where mom will hang with us and do brunch and we will stay in our pj’s for as long as possible. That is the plan.
CH and I are doing ok. Right now we are ok. I am not a sobbing wreck. We are doing good in that we talk to each other about how we are feeling and so we dealing. Also, being that I have been feeling physically SO rotten…I have to admit being more focused on that and feeling physically healthy again. I have forgotten what it feels like to be ‘normal.’
I am sure we will still both have our moments. We are waiting for the funeral home to call so we can bring him home. That will be a sad moment.
Telling people who don’t know is tough too..but you gotta do it. I am okay about being around ‘happy’ people now too. You have to. Life goes on.
I am finding though, that some people tend to focus on the sad more than others. My Aunt called last night. She is an amazing and compassionate woman. My Uncle is the same. They are good people. They also experienced a similar horror years and years ago when they were having kids. They remember how it felt.
So instead of having CH do the talk, I spoke to her. She was very worried about how I was doing and feeling and dealing. She seemed a bit taken aback that I wasn’t a monosyllabic sobbing wreck. I think I seemed too ‘ok’ for her.
But honestly…..right now…I AM doing ok……I realize that I won’t necessarily do ok all the time…but right now…I am.
We are still goofing around with the kids. Still having a laugh. That is the type of people we are.
It doesn’t negate the experience or the life lost….that won’t go away. But neither CH or I are the type to wallow. We have experience SO much sadness this year. You can only take so much.
And what is the alternative? To be totally immersed in depression and sadness so much that life stops? We can’t. We have kids. It is Christmas. We would rather have fun with our family.
Then there is the other end of the spectrum.
My brother in law seems intent of having no clue or compassion about what we have gone through. Instead he has been angry that CH has not been paying attention to the things important to HIM. And yes, there are things that needed dealing with….but the man SHOULD have a clue about why we haven’t been thinking or remembering these things.  I commend CH and is patience with the man. I could not be so kind.
So life goes on. One day at a time.  The kids are building up into the preChristmas hysteria.  And I am hoping I can get mom well and rested so that now SHE can enjoy the holidays too. She has been by my side and chasing and driving kids around since all this happened. I don’t know what I would have done without her, but also feel bad for her pushing herself so much.
Today is a wet and slushy day today. We should be staying close to home. Instead, because of guilt from the brother in law, CH will be shopping for some gift for him and his wife.  I personally would not bother…but we shall see.
Gifts need wrapped. Kids need dressed.  They are watching Big Top Pee Wee right now.
Life goes on.
Lisa says
glad to hear you guys are doing ok, I can’t believe the moronic, selfish, idiotic things your bil is doing to you guys. Stand your ground, don’t let him push you guys into listing the house now…..duh! who sells a house at Christmas?! Hope you’re feeling better soon and REALLY hope to see you guys after Christmas at Laurie’s……so get better soon!!
BetteJo says
Last I checked there is no right way to do this, and it sounds like you and CH are doing fine. Even if people have been through the same thing – you still react in your own way. Nobody can tell you how to grieve or to get through the grief. I’m glad you’re doing it your own way. Take care~
Crazy Working Mom says
Merry Christmas to you and your family, my friend…and may the new year bring you much happiness.
Planet Mom says
Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. And though that’s a horribly cliche thing to say, I truly am sorry. I hadn’t visited in a while and so I didn’t know. So I just read a bunch of your posts to catch up. I’m glad to learn you two are doing better (if that’s humanly possible) and that you’re somehow dealing. BetteJo (above) is right. “There is no right way to do this,” and “Nobody can tell you how to grieve….” My only brother committed suicide two years ago this January and it was the most horrible experience I have ever been through–only to be topped by my parents’ collective experience of losing their son. But one thing I learned as a result is that it’s important to grieve–for as long as need be and in whatever fashion suits you. Do what works. See a shrink. Talk to a good friend. Write about it. Read about it. Find support in your church, a group or indirectly through websites that offer solace. Lean on your husband till the end of time. Lean on each other even longer. Whatever. Just do SOMETHING that feels right. And don’t worry about all the people (and there will be a plethora) who will callously question why you’re not “over it” yet. Screw’em. They don’t get it and they never will.
I won’t lie to you–our holiday is wrecked because of what happened to my family on January 2, 2006. But life does go on. For better or for worse. One day at a time. One ordinary–yet extraordinary–moment at a time. And there are children to raise and tender moments to share and a million or more wonderful things sure to come your way–including this Christmas. Have a joyous holiday, despite it all.
Peace be with you all.
corgimom says
Being gentle with yourselves is the best way to heal, and gentle includes going with the laughter life–and goofy kids–can bring you even in hard times.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery and good health for you and your mom.
Bro-in-law can blow it out his left navel.