I haven’t posted much about my continuing pregnancy. I am about 12.5 weeks along.
Truth is, apart from dealing with the emotional and physical symptoms AND that one bleed scare, this peanut has not had much attention from us. There has just been too much going on. Life is too full of worry, stress, pain…..I have barely had time to even register that I AM pregnant.
Except for the regret. I lay there at night feeling awful from creating this little life right in the middle of this hurricane shit storm that was our summer.
The kids are emotional wrecks…..so fine tuned they are to our stresses.  Crunchy Husband holds it together…but barely.  He is trying so hard.  I feel like wrapping cotton batting around him…..shield him from all the pain.  I am a snarling monster. I can’t handle the kids needs, CH’s, Mine…everyone’s all at once.  I don’t feel like I have control over it all.  I ride it…..waiting for the next crisis…
My mom ….filled with worry for us, is also disapointed and mourning the summer that wasn’t. She wanted fun trips and holidays with us. We had none. We didn’t entertain. She wanted some one on one time with me for my birthday. It still hasn’t happened and probably won’t as much as she keeps asking. I am too needed. Here. At Home.
Kindergarten starts next week. I am dreading it all. I will have the two daycare kids for four days a week. Four days….just dealing with kids stuff and without being emotionally ready to face it.   I would have like to have felt more prepared. Had my life more organized for all this. It ain’t gonna happen.
The only positive spin is that all the bustling about will keep me active and not eating.
But my boobs….they have their own agenda. They hurt. They feel like they are swelling and straining against my skin. I don’t think they LOOK that huge..but they sure feel it. I lay there in a half dream state the other night and imagined them sticking straight up and out….like a bra made for Madonna…standing at attention.
We will have to ask Crunchy Husband how they look.
The most forgotten rule of motherhood: you must take care of the caregiver. Give yourself some downtime, soon, so you can give your best to the ones you love. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, just crafted to exactly what YOU want–without interruption or responsibility for others–whether for an hour, an evening or (would that this be true)a day.
Thinking of you and yours.
Hugs – And I’m sorry for not commenting sooner but my condolences for your MIL.
Wish I had some magic words but all I can say it those who subscribe to ”we don’t get more than we can handle” have never had more than they can handle. Sigh. Just….hugs.
You know my email if you need to vent.
Glad to see your sense of humor shining through.
Oh you poor dear. It’s been a really tough summer for you. But, everything does happen for a reason (or so I believe). It’ll all work out in the end. Just stick together, honey and you can make it through anything.
((hugglies)) Crunchy. don’t feel regret, its a good thing that came out of a horrible time for you guys.
What an entirely splendid title for a blogpost… I’m getting back into the whole posting AND commenting thing, CC: I feel like I have to play nicely now that I’m not Skippy…
Grieving sucks. My third pregnancy was sandwiched between my father-in-law’s death and my grandmother’s descent into dementia, not to mention my friend’s husband’s suicide. Everyone around me was stressed out and I was bringing a new person into this crazy world. But, you know, he is just the joy and light in our lives now.
Hang in there. It’ll get better.