Phew….

Been a busy weekend here at crunch central.

Wet Coast Women is up and running and making some sort of sense thanks to the lady who designed it for me.

That has taken up a lot of my thinking.  That and playing with the themes for this place.

And in a way, that has been a good thing.

I don’t know if you have been reading my tales of woe on Crunchy Ramblings lately, but if not, in a nutshell…My health has not been great.  Not life threatening….just a nice low level of suckage.

So between fighting a cold, pms, messed up antidepressant amounts, this mysterious ‘ailment’ and now an apparent ‘fistula’ (charming word that!) caused by the attack that set this all off….I have not been in a great state of mind.

I have been mean to my kids, mean to my dog, and low lying irritable with my mom and my husband.   Both who have been amazingly patient and helpful.  My mom has come over every day to either go with me to the hospital or help with the kids.

I have been feeling very conflicted.   One part of me knows and feels I should be just cuddling with my kids and not worrying about anything else.  But when ‘anything else’ is the state of my house, the dust, the smell, the stains on the carpets….well I am not the type who can ignore all that.

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I have had a cough since Christmas Eve.    Out the window went plans for entertaining, seeing friends, getting out doing grown up stuff over the holidays.   Gone.

Never mind, says I, the New Year will bring time to clean up the house, plan a few things, and so on.

Not yet, says my body, who obviously went into a panic at the thought of entertaining!

So my house gets dirtier.  I am trying.  Just not succeeding.

My temper gets shorter the thicker the dust.

I have done nothing but snarl at my children for the last few days.  Adam fights with me and in the same snotty tone demands ‘snuggles’ at bed time.  What do you do with that?

I KNOW my meds have totally messed me up.  Not to mention being incontinent thanks to the fistula thingie.   THAT is a nice feeling at 37 years old.

I am finding that the blogosphere is the only calm in the storm.  It is either hang here, write and read posts, learn about Word Press or go and hide in my bed under the covers.

That is the two things I want to do right now.    I don’t actually want to be a mom at the moment.

I want someone to ‘mom’ me.

I tried today and lasted a while before my temper wore thin.   I hung out with the kids in the am, snuggled and watched cartoons with them, ate breakfast with them, got them all washed and dressed.   This instead of hiding on the computer all morning.

Mom and I even took them out for a walk in the ice and snow today.

Then I started to lose my resolve.   The non stop talking and sniping and refusing to listen started once again to wear me down.  It all ended (again) with Adam refusing to go to bed and me trying to negotiate this (again).

And really, no wonder Adam is acting up. How else would you react to a mother who is muttering and swearing around the house and telling him to knock it off or whatever….no wonder he is talking like he is.

I have to stop for his sake.  And whatever future relationship we will have.

I have to work at making life fun…..no matter what.

By fluke,  I came across this lady’s blog and the story within the post was so perfect for the moment.

I wish I could hug her.  Go read it. You will understand.

Instead….I should go and hug my snot encrusted boy.   And the dog.  Caity seems none the worse for wear.  She likes drama.

Me, I just want to be me again.