So I had another visit from the nice Jehovah Witness lady that visits me from time to time.
She has popped by for a few years now. I like her. She never shoves her faith down your throat and is a genuinely kind person.
In my ‘perkier’ times I would enjoy fun door step debates with her. (I love religious debates).
But she got me yesterday.
I had mentioned in passing Caity’s reluctance to sleep. How she seemed afraid to try to rest at night.
She suggested a little prayer for her might give her comfort.
A flood of thoughts rushed to my brain…..
Pray? To who? To what? Yet another bizarre concept of a being WATCHING over her ….would that not be something else for her to worry about?
Pray? To a supposed being whose ambivalence is so great to let earthquakes in China wipeout thousands of innocent children? To a being that sends cyclones and hurricanes and tornadoes down upon people who do nothing except try to live from day to day. People just working. Living. Supporting their families.
To a being that took my son away? That took Loralees baby?
That has left me with an ache inside that doesn’t go away. An ache so filled with questions, anger, hurt, confusion, rage….pain that is there every single day.
Pain that is tied into every single thing going on in our lives right now.
Everything is a reminder.
Stupid things…..all connect. Dumb stuff. Selfish stuff.
Like – If Scott was here, I would not even CARE that I don’t have the money to go to BlogHer this year. I would be wrapped up in the chaos of a family of three.
However, that chaos would be marred by the fact that we are currently short on cash.
CH would be freaking out EVEN more about work and lack thereof if Scott was here, because we would be paying for baby stuff on top of everything else.
I rage against myself for my own stupid shortsightedness and inability to save money.
I rage against myself for being a financial burden.
I rage at having to look for work. But also feel the need to help my own family.
I rage that I am part of the problem.
CH wanted to pay for me to go to BlogHer since I cancelled last year at the last minute.
Because of his mom.
The impact of her illness and death has been staggering and far reaching.
Last year was a year of hell. An emotional rollercoaster with the final flourish of losing the baby.
Thanks invisible deity for that clusterfuck.
CH and his brother have had to deal with the pain of losing BOTH their parents at too young an age.
THEN on top of the grief and loss, they have had to take on dealing with the chaos left behind.
Their grieving Grandmother. Who needs help and attention.
Cleaning out their family home. Sorting out memories and all that other ‘business’ stuff.
Having to deal with banks, and lawyers and finances and hospitals.
Now having to sell their family home and deal with the financial drain THAT is becoming on him and his brother.
ON TOP of CH’s current lack of work.
How much pressure does HE have to take on? Why?
For all his our my faults, seriously….what have we done to deserve all this?
Everything is pressure. Everything is connected to finances and burdens.
Even just selling old toys and clothes becomes not just a ‘clear out’ but….a necessity.
My dog has a recurring infection and a skin problem. I have to find the money for that.
My poor son has cavities. We have to pay for that.
Caity’s birthday is in two weeks.
I am sick of ‘WE CAN’T AFFORD THAT’
I am sick of ‘WE CAN’T DO THAT’
I can’t have ANOTHER baby – not a replacement for Scott – I am turning 39. We have no money. We can’t fit in A BILLION doctors appointments and expenses onto the burden we are already dealing with.
All this that seems to follow us from last year..the black cloud of DUTY….of BURDEN….of HASSLE….of PAIN.
Scott would have been around in the middle of the chaos..but there and would have to deal.
Add the worry.
But we would have had him.
……
These are the thoughts that rushed into my head when a prayer was suggested.
I bit my tongue… I smiled…said my goodbyes and carried on with my day.
Now..I realize that there are many of you out there with a strong faith in whatever God you worship. You are all kind and good people and I have no intention of insulting you in any way.
I just do not share your faith.
I also realize that there are people inf FAR dire circumstances than ours. But this is OUR circumstance and OUR worry…so while my heart goes out to those suffering far greater horrors than ours…I am still feeling a little selfish and angry and helpless about it all.
Vered says
I wish I could say something to make you feel better.
I am so sorry about everything that you have to deal with.
Vereds last blog post..When Successful Bloggers Try To (Gasp) Make Money
Nicole says
Oh, honey. I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this. Sometimes there’s nothing more to say than “This sucks” and “Pass the [insert beverage of choice here]”.
(((((crunchy)))))
Nicoles last blog post..WAKE UP!
corgimom says
Hugs and a shared bottle of fine red wine from me to you.
When my kid can’t sleep for an extended number of nights, I call in the shaman for a room cleansing. It works every time. Yeah, I’m that weird.
corgimoms last blog post..Two Announcements
Jen says
Don’t you dare feel bad about being angry and feeling helpless. Your feelings and concerns are real and valid and worth voicing. You don’t have to have things worse than everyone else in the world in order to have permission to be upset.
I’m a non believer myself so I won’t say I’ll pray for you but I will say that I’m thinking good thoughts for you and sending good vibes your way. I hope things start looking up very soon.
Jens last blog post..Blogs that you might not read but you should
Loralee says
I’m not sure what I believe anymore. I still believe in a God, but I also know I am very, very, very pissed off, angry and bitter at said deity.
The thing that’s good about that is that I don’t take it out on people that are actually here, I guess. I’m pretty sure I would as the anger has got to go somewhere.
I think that you have a LOT on your plate right now. I have had similar problems and they are hell. When you add the death of a child, it is just a backbreaking load to carry. And IMO…Knowing that others are worse off does give a little perspective, but not a lot.
I truly hope that it gets easier for you and everyone else who hurts and struggles.
Moobs says
I completely understand your anger and I have no glib answers but would you mind if I prayed for you?
Moobss last blog post..Communion
Lisa says
I hear you on the God thing, would love to have faith, but just can’t force myself to believe in something that is so strange and foreign to me.
Anika went through the same thing at that age and what worked for us was a dream catcher. We told her the story of what a dream catcher is and how it works and she found having it there very comforting and reassuring. She slept with one or several for about a year. I guess our Metis roots are deeper than I thought! 🙂
Lisas last blog post..All About Anika