Lately, I have been doubting my sanity (again)…Sleep deprivation (Tara, fix that will you please?) a TWO WEEK cold and my general daily sense of WTF and so on, plus looks and comments from my husband and family, have caused me to pause here and ponder on not only my parenting but my ability to be a partner to my husband and a functioning human being.
I seem to be sucking in the contributing to society and family department.
I need to step back and take a breath and get it all sorted out. Cept I am not really that sort of person. For someone who really loves planning stuff…I suck at the basics. Suck at routines, suck at planning for … well life and the lives I am in charge of.
Hence I sometimes forget to feed them.
Now granted…this doesn’t mean they don’t eat..I spend the days dealing with an almost NON STOP litany of demands for snacks and drinks of various types….the real meals get lost in the shuffle.
Housework gets lost in the shuffle.
Myself and the laundry and the house in general are all looking a bit er…rumpled.
I know this horrifies my mom. She was and still is, an amazingly dedicated housekeeper.
My husband I know…wishes for un rumpled clothing and an edible dinner. Dinner that I haven’t frantically thrown together at the last minute.
I know he also wishes for a wife that isn’t nodding off during the news too. A wife that can do more than mumble incoherently at him or burst into tears.
But that is what babies who don’t sleep do to me.
I am seriously on autopilot. An extremely emotionally sensitive autopilot. An autopilot who can go off half cocked…
So..is that depression, ppd or just life?
We all seem to have our own levels of coping.
I personally think I have done alright in adjusting to three kids so far. But yes, some things have slipped…some things I never did in the first place.
I find myself overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Not just the parenting. But all of it…
This makes my husband nuts.
I am not a communicator. I also turn self reliance into a bit of a martyr trip. This, I know, drives my husband crazy. But I think he understands too. We both tend to over analyze our selves..I tend to think things through in my own head without bouncing them off him..he does the same but has been trying way better than I at talking about stuff too.
Honestly..I am too dam tired to talk. Really. And once I have angst myself out…the energy for discussion is not there.
So yes…I am my own worst enemy. So really, I don’t need other enemies.
Reading about mommy wars (again) does not help. Here we are AGAIN….not only judging ourselves, but AGAIN judging each other.
The explosion of posts and #nestlefamily wars over that debacle showed how clearly the lines are drawn in parenting. My opinion on those lines/clubs/labels was discussed over on Canada Moms Blog.
So much for support..instead it is comparison and judgement from our high horses.
You become terrified to speak out. I am in awe of the bloggers out there who really don’t hold back. The one’s who not only are excellent writers…but truly HONEST writers. They share every aspect of themselves…the good and the bad. What thick skins they must have. What thick skins their family members must have too.
But maybe that sort of blogging is therapy for them. I tend to worry too much….friends and family read my blog…I don’t want them all thinking I am some sort of neurotic attention loving needy freak….I want my blog to show all aspects of my life..the fun and the not so fun..but I am not really ready to share with you all my angst ridden thoughts.
Kudos to those that do.
And for the most part..this seems to work for these bloggers…however…there has been instances of very negative attention caused by sometimes TOO honest posting and the internet can be a cruel cruel place.
The TSA incident is a perfect example of that.
I think personal bloggers need to be very careful about protecting the impression they give of themselves and their families.
Because judgement shall rain down upon you if you slip up in cyberspace.
Dr. Phil apparently stirred up the Mommy War thing again….pitting working moms against stay at home moms. It is so tiresome.
Are we all so cut and dry? Are all stay at home moms June Cleaver? I am certainly not. Sheesh….would get kicked out of that club for sure!
I don’t bake.
I don’t pre plan meals
I don’t own a crock pot.
I don’t stick to routines.
I don’t do crafts.
And I don’t have my kids crammed in a myriad of after school activities because frankly the though horrifies my lazy ass.
I pretty much make it all up as I go.
Leslie Morgan Steiner at Mommy Tracked summed up all up the best I think..
This is truly what we need to remember and think about.
“There’s a simple way to judge whether you are doing your best as a mom: ask yourself if you’d like to be your own kid.”
And while I am CONVINCED my children will need YEARS of therapy to get over my parenting….I also think that the both of us…are pretty fun parents.
And by fun I mean…we are there for our kids. We both love them unconditionally. We both enjoy them as human beings. We like being parents above pretty much all else.
And I also like to think that the amount of anxiety and worry about our parenting that we BOTH do pretty much makes us good parents. We care, right?
I just need to keep it all in perspective.
Hah…
and then I read posts like this and feel sooooo much better..
“If you have non-sleeping children in your house and you are strung so tight the mosquitoes can play Stairway To Heaven on you when you go outside, please remember. This is NOT the real you. It is the sleep-deprived you. The bad mood you are in almost all the time is not a reflection of your parenting skills. The attitude you cop has nothing to do with your fitness as a mother or father.
You are not irrevocably more mean, impatient or sadistic than you used to be.
(Even if you just want to smack me in the face for this pep talk.)
You just need more sleep. And someday, you will have some.”
Amber says
You know, I think that kids need far less from us than most of us think. As long as we show up and try every day, we’re doing just fine. At least, this is what I tell myself, and it makes me feel better.
Here’s hoping you find some sleep, and soon.
thordora says
Maybe I’m fucking up my kids. Maybe they’ll be awesome. But after last year, and the fallout and judgement from that-I refuse to care what anyone else thinks aside from me and mine. Life is short, and everyone has an opinion.
You will sleep again, but until then, think all the bad silly thoughts, all the mean thoughts, be grumpy and messy-be who you are right now.
Anyone who tries to judge a mother, let alone one who hasn’t slept a full night since sometime last March, should be left on a raft in the pacific gyre.
Hang in there girl.
Sandi says
I couldn’t even begin to judge you because I’m in pretty much the same place. It seems like I’m always caught by surprise when it’s time to make dinner. I just can’t believe that I’m stumped by something that happens at the same time every single day. It’s taken me three tries to write this comment as I try to get the kids to eat dinner.
My duo just recently started sleeping through the night on a semi regularly basis. They’re two and a half now so I figure that I have almost three years of sleep deprivation to work off. I hope my real self comes back soon. But really I think my old self is gone forever, I just hope that I can come like who I’ve become :S
clara says
It’s so awful. And it’s so *dark* and being sick SUCKS and you just feel like you’re never going to get better and who cares anyway. One thing after another.
I wish anyone who sat in judgment or even looked at you sideways would come over and take your baby for a walk for an entire afternoon so that you could curl up on the couch and watch shitty TV and eat chips. I sure do wish.
SmalltownRN says
You know I was/still am one of those moms who ran/runs herself into the ground because I felt/feel like I need to be doing because that is what is expected.
My need to be Mrs. Cleaver acutally stems from how I grew up…coming from a family of 12 children my parents had to be organized or there would be absolute kaos.
So Yes I was one of those moms that worked fulltime….I actually went to school fulltime when I had a 3 1/2 year old and an 8 month old. I would come home from school…prepare dinner, do some house chores….and then site down and do 4 hours of my own school work. I have no idea where I found the energy.
I was and still am a very organized person…my work dictates that. Case in point…I have to have my vacation schedule in by November 6th for 2010….who in god’s name can know what days they need off for the coming year…but in my work I have to…so it’s an enforced planning.
My point…we all do what we feel we need to do…we do our best…sometimes we mess up…who cares…as long as we are there for our children provide guidance, love and support…you can’t ask for much more…
Nicole says
Darren couldn’t figure out why I was nodding off at 8pm when the Poptart would fall asleep on me. The first time I left her with him for 9 hours (and forgot my breastpump – oy) she slept for 6 of them. And this is the baby that doesn’t nap. He also didn’t understand why I would want him to change at least one diaper when he got home.
A couple of weeks later, he decided to stay up until 3am when I had to leave for the day at 8am. AND SHE DIDN’T NAP.
On Saturday I went grocery shopping for a couple of hours and he had to change 4 diapers. He had the balls to say to me, “What took you so long? I had to change 4 diapers since you’ve been gone!”
Oh yes. He did.
This last Sunday I left them together and he changed 11 diapers (I’d given her some wonton soup broth and all the salt was coming out).
He gets it now.
And I fly by the seat of my pants every day. The poptart is happy, well fed and interacts well with me. I think I’m doing okay. Of course, the zoloft helps 🙂
Harriet Glynn says
Live and let live people! Casual parents unite!