Q: We have taught our kids to speak up for themselves but this backfires when we are trying to lay down the rules. How do we find the balance?
A: Whenever I see a kid being cheeky, rude or disrespectful I see it as a cry for discipline. Kids don’t like themselves when they act like that; they want to be nice. Have you ever seen a cheeky child look happy? Nope. They may be smirking, but that’s a sign of low self-esteem.
I’m all for kids having a voice in how they’re raised, but if they have a cheeky attitude … NO VOICE!!! My son used to have tantrums and outbursts but once he understood that Mommy ignored that stuff, he started following my advice which was:
“I’ll listen to anything you have to say and maybe even change the rules around here, but only if you approach me AFTER the fact in a calm and respectful manner. In the meantime, go scream into a pillow and get the anger out that way so it doesn’t annoy me.”
He mastered that by around the age of 4 as he soon learned how reasonable Mom was when spoken to nicely. Kids only do what works and if being nice works, that’s what they do. It’s truly that simple.
Children aren’t born knowing how to act, it’s our job to teach them. We can’t just tell them how NOT to act, we have to give them very specific instructions on how TO act. BUT, we have to also watch our behaviour. Too often clients will tell me their kids are cheeky but then they’ll admit to yelling at them. Well, that’s cheeky too so their kids are just following their lead.
Get a Family Plan (free “3 Step Parenting Plan” on my newsletters) up and running and stick to it. You set out all the rules, chores and punishments for every family member. The key to making it work is that you are also on the plan. That’s showing that you respect your children and that, in turn, gets you tons of respect. Children should be able to impose consequences on naughty parents too. This mutual respect will pull you right through the teen years beautifully.
Rules can be edited and changed AFTER the fact but never during a scene. That’s when you have to put your foot down and parent. Children catch onto this and learn that if they respect you when you’re handing out consequences, they can discuss maybe changing and lightening up on them in future.
This stuff works. I’ve had hundreds of clients turn from non-believers into believers. They are now strong confident leaders for their children to look up to. Not only that, but many have told me their friends and family are asking them for parenting advice now. It’s all about being calm, consistent and predictable.
Balance all the tough stuff with having fun with your children. Once you get your Family Plan up and running you’ll find that you’ll spend 95% of your time enjoying your children and only about 5% disciplining them. Invest the time now is setting this all up and you will thank me later.
Guest post by Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach at BratBusters.com
Lisa Bunnage is a Parenting Coach in Vancouver, BC. She teaches parents how to get respect by mixing discipline & fun. Her down-to-earth, common sense approach is based on 40+ years of experience with babies, children and teenagers. “You have to give respect to get it.”
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