My social media feeds are filled with articles that focus on new moms and dads. Everything about how hard it is. How your life changes and how terrible sleep deprivation is. There are people who make a living “solving” these issues for parents. Many issues that usually just fade as the kids grow. Seriously people. My son had a soother and we didn’t need any clever tricks or plans to get rid of it or the sippy cups and the only sleep issues the kids have is that they prefer to stay up all night or still crawl in with mommy.
However, the fact that my school age kids still want to cuddle with mom and dad in bed actually makes me feel better about the rest of the stuff that is going on. Because believe you me there is a LOT going on. Raising school age kids goes beyond how YOU are dealing with night feedings and keeping infants alive. Raising school age kids is about your heart being in your throat every time you send them out to face the world on their own without you hovering in the background. Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they fitting in at school? Are they indeed assholes?
That article was really cute, but what was more telling was the reactions. Many just laughed and many agreed. But many were frankly HORRIFIED that you would ever consider your precious angels to be assholes. Because apparently many parents are way better at parenting than that author and obviously me because it has never crossed their minds that their kids might in fact be assholes.
I love my kids. All of them. In an intensely crazy way. But we don’t have a perfect relationship and this family has been the scene for some pretty epic fights. So not only have I and their dad displayed asshole tendencies, so have the kids and so then I start to wonder……are they assholes when they are out away from us?
I have been fairly confident over the last few years that my kids ‘represented’ us fairly well. This was based on preschools and other parents. Adam has always been a popular kid and has been to countless parties and sleepovers and I have only heard good things. Sure we have had the odd issues over the years but nothing major at all. Caity is more reserved than her brother and has had less adventures with friends. She has had ups and downs and my main worry with her is if she is happy. Her teachers tend to really like her though.
This year has really thrown me though. Not only has Adam struggled more this year (Grade 6) with school work, but he is struggling with is relationships with his peers and his teachers and sadly struggling even more with us then too. This has really messed up my confidence in my parenting. I fear now that we gave him too much freedom, that we expected too much from an 11 year old and now he struggles with things that are just too big for him.
THIS is parenting. This is what hurts your heart and leaves you sleepless at night. Navigating a hurting or confused child through the minefield of LIFE is what tests your mettle as a parent. I would gladly go back to being stumped over colicky and sleepless babies instead of dealing with hearts and minds of school age children that I feel helpless to fix.
I wish I could just rock my children in my arms again. I wish that was all it took to fix their troubles. I don’t want to have discussions about friendships and homework and rules and boundaries. I don’t want to deal with calls from schools. I don’t want to deal with tears and frustrations that I can’t fix with cuddle and kiss. I want to protect them and us from the world. It all feels too complicated and too overwhelming at the moment. I love my kids…..they might not be perfect, but they are mine. So no matter what people think or say, I will defend them with my last breath. 
Hi Kerry,
This is a great post. Thanks for your honesty.
Of my four kids, two are school-aged – 11 and 8. For the most part I agree with you…the angst over baby issues is way too overblown and in large part driven by marketing. However, my angst sure felt real when I had my first baby and was obsessed with keeping him alive, though it seems trivial now.
I think it’s a matter of perspective. As seasoned moms, we’ve got the survival thing down pat now. It’s the stuff we’re in the thick of that keeps us up at night because we don’t have the perspective/wisdom/distance to be confident that this too shall pass.
(PS. I know this because my oldest is almost 30. My memories of her dealing with real life and death decisions involving driving, sex, first job/first love, etc., give ME perspective on the days when my school-aged kids are dealing with the issues you write about)).