I haven’t been in a very good mood lately. There has been too much stuff going on. I like Christmas, but to be honest I have a difficult relationship with it. The ‘magic’ of it has lured me since childhood to yearn for a bit of sparkle…..a bit of …something…that quite frankly has eluded me. It is the same for my mom. It really has been that time of year that made it perfectly clear that we just weren’t really ‘welcome’ anywhere. My mom has the same feelings as I do, it is a time of melancholy. Our saving grace now is that I have children and we can watch and celebrate Christmas through their eyes. I built a family for us because we have never had one of our own.
When my mom walked away from my alcoholic dad, our relationship with my grandmother (his mother) became even more strained curtailing our participation in any Christmas activity at her house. My visits to my Grandmother were barely tolerated by my aunts and uncles who appeared to blame us for the state of my dad. To be honest I don’t actually remember any time with that side of the family EVER being comfortable.
That left us with moms side of the family which consisted of Aunts (great to me) and cousins and children of cousins and so forth. Mom had been raised by her grandmother, she had taken care of her while HER mom’s siblings had gotten on with their lives. Her mom had died. Again we were the ‘extra’ relatives….especially after my great grandmother died.
As much as I love all my cousins, I was always so relieved to come home after uncomfortable Christmas dinners at other people’s houses. Even when it was just home for the two of us. Watching my cousins getting spoiled by their own Grandmothers was not a fun thing for me.
I learned over the years that the TV version of families and Christmases did not exist. For a brief moment when my Grandfather brought us out to Canada, I thought we MIGHT have a family who wanted us to be a part of it, but was mistaken. After a few uncomfortable family Christmases, it was down to mom and I again being the extras at peoples houses for dinner. There were a few fun one’s. My best friends mom always had huge groups of Christmas ‘orphans’ at her dinners. One year mom and I combined feeding my Grandfather and his bachelor friend with friends of ours and their curmudgeonly Grandfather and Great Uncle. It was quite a laugh.
I married into a family that didn’t make a big deal about Christmas nor have strong bonds for their extended family either. I have not had much luck with this Christmas thing. Which sucks because both myself and mom love to entertain. We love houses full of people and my mom has worked hard at maintain and cultivating friendships to ensure that she CAN entertain in her little house. I have not had this luck. I don’t have a lot of friends left not do I have a home I feel is conducive to entertaining.
My husband doesn’t enjoy Christmas either. Now, with both his parents passed away far too young and he isn’t close to his brother and his own Grandmother has dementia and lives in a home, it isn’t a happy time for him. Family doesn’t exactly make us all yell ‘Yipee.’ Therefore for him (and thus me) Christmas is all rolled up into this big ball of tension that revolves around spending too much money and wishing it would all go away.
I do have children. So now (in my mind) I have an excuse to decorate and celebrate even when they act like over indulged and spoiled little monsters. I tell myself that they must watch all the ‘traditional’ shows and hear the songs and do all the activities we are ‘supposed’ to do and enjoy it or else. Making memories and all that. We have enjoyed filling the stockings, and seeing their excitement about Santa. However, many years it feels like me trying too hard and nobody really caring or appreciating the effort it all takes and my mom pointing out that this was NOT what she had hoped for either.
With just one ‘believer’ left in the family and as I listen to the two older one’s bickering upstairs, I wonder why I bother. Why I keep trying every year even though it hurts my heart just a little bit more as I go on. I go on for the kids…because I want them to have some sense of ‘tradition’ at Christmas that they can fall back on when they are adults. I don’t want them to be ‘extras’ at other people’s holiday celebrations. I want them to have the peace of mind that they have each other at this time of year no matter what. That they will have MY house at Christmas as a place to be loved and welcome. I go on because I love Christmas. Despite being perpetually broke, I love buying gifts for people. I love cards, I love Christmas music and decorating the house….even the messy dump that it is. I love Christmas for what it is supposed to be, not what it really is.
I know other people have these feelings about Christmas too. I know many of us fake it for Facebook and the world. I realize ‘Happy Holidays” is an oxymoron for many….but I still envy you your family. I envy the people you have to see and the houses you have to go to because it is expected of you. I wish I had that.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas time indeed….
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