The other day a man who had been watching all the shenanigans with Tara, asked me why I decided to have a third. This inocuous but vaguely insulting question caused my mom and I to look at each other and I just laughed and said something like ‘I must have been drunk.’
If only he knew. But strangers don’t and so you can’t get upset and you also know you can’t go into long explanations about your history as a parent and how you ended up with Tara. Especially when the implication is that this third one is not behaving. Which she wasn’t. She did great and had a great time.
Do I tell him we always wanted three or four? Do I tell him that she really wasn’t our third but our fourth? Do I HAVE to explain why there is such an age gap between her and Caitlyn? I don’t think I do.
What I should have said to him was that because we love our kids and wanted more as equally cool and we think she is great. But I felt he might have been a bit put off…..and just really wanted to change the subject. Or I could have said that she would have been our fourth had the third not died..THAT would have shut him up.
People don’t like negative talk. Not when it comes to small talk. Especially when it comes to passive aggressive small talk. Hence my reluctance to speak more…I was too polite to defend my daughter and that really sucks.
People also expect happy answers when they ask ‘how have you been?’ or ‘how are you?’ They expect you to stick to the script. Retail staff especially. Does the cashier and Safeway REALLY care how your day has been? They are just talking because society requires it. But do they want to know that you are having a shitty day or that you are just getting milk on they way home from a funeral or a trip to the hospital?
Do they wonder at your strained face….your tired eyes, or are you just another blur in a long day.
My mom used to always say ‘put yourself in that persons shoes’ when teaching about judgement and so forth. But what if you don’t know about that persons shoes? You have to go a step beyond. You have to give a person the benefit of the doubt and think that they are as human as you.
I try to not make snap judgement’s on anyone’s behavior. I try to reflect on what is causing my mood for that moment and how I am perceived by others…I try to remember that they are dealing with more than just a trip to the grocery store or a long line at the bank. Our lives are dramas unfolding before us…it is just like a stage play, and some of the action takes place of stage…you just have to imagine.
That’s such an important point- giving others the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to get caught up in thinking “how dare they?” or in judging them because you don’t understand how to put yourself in their shoes. I know I’ve done it. One of my favourite quotes by Dr Wayne Dyer is “When you have a choice between being right and being kind, always choose kind.” Now I do.