Milestones

So on Saturday, I turn 40.   Yes..one of those MILESTONE birthdays.

I will not get maudling or freaked about being 40…it is just a number.    It is just a day.

I am more boggled that I am 40.  I remember being 20 and having NO concept of what 40 would be like..or what I would be like at 40.

It sounded VERY grown up.  Very adult.   40 year olds had jobs and houses and careers and did adult things.

Well, apart from birthing three kids..I don’t think I have accomplished ANY of those things.  Or feel terribly adult either.

Maybe the new 40 year olds are different from the older crop of them.

I am not one for making fusses about birthdays…I tend to usually look at them as an excuse to gather friends together for some laughs, etc.

As a kid, birthdays were family affairs…I lived far from school and adding that to a summer birthday meant not too many parties.

Since having kids, I have tended to focus on their birthdays and what THEY want to do for the special adults in their lives…usuall crafts and homemade cards and we haven’t bothered much with parties etc.   And the kids tend to forget that their parents HAVE birthdays.

Our house isn’t really made for entertaining these days either.

I am hitting 40 just after Tara turns one month old.

I am totally bagged out from lack of sleep and feel flabby and schleppy to boot.  Not really party material.

My mom did want to do a sort of party at her place, but she has been helping here and doing all her stuff too and frankly August is a busy month for us…there are TOO many August birthdays.

I told her not to worry about it and that we can put something together at another date maybe.

I remember mom turning 40.

I remember helping her friends through a surprise party for her.  She was feeling QUITE sorry for herself that NOBODY appeared to be doing anything for this milestone birthday.

I have to admit….I understand.   I wonder if she felt like I do.  That she wasn’t LIKE a 40 year old..or was she?Am I?

Who knows.

I have to admit, am feeling slightly sorry and sad that a wee fuss isn’t being made for me.

Just a teensy bit.

But I keep burying it.   August isn’t a good month for Crunchy Husband.

On top of the birthdays, his mom died this month – two years ago next week.

He doesn’t feel like planning fun birthdays….not with us watching our money too, and I totally get that.

But teeny tiny part of me feels quite sad about it all too.  But I did have a baby RIGHT in the middle of it all..whose fault is that huh???

Despite all the craziness and that I am in no way prepared for entertaining or organizing or whatever – the nugget of feeling sorry for myself is there.

I think it is the whole concept of having a fuss made over you when you did nothing.

Despite the fuss we are already getting for having our newest addition.

SO when I turn 40…I will be with my family…my newly BIGGER family…..enjoying the love, and hopefully some cake.

But will also raise a glass in memory of the parties that used to be……you know the ones.

I miss house parties…a unfettered youth.

And please…please don’t feel sorry for me..really…I was just thinking today…while holding Tara and getting hugs from my OTHER daughter…how, despite all the crap going on in our lives and despite not being where we HOPED we would be in life, yadda yadda….I am happy.  I am happy having a family…even when they drive me nuts.

I love that I am a mom…it still boggles me.