I Suppose I Must Write…

Even though I don’t really feel like it.

It is hard to feel THAT sad again.  I don’t want to.  It is leading up to Christmas…my children are excited and pestering us for trees and to finish decorating the house.

I have Christmas Cards to write, and gifts to buy.  There are open houses to attend and treats to be eaten.

Yet here we are…

One year ago at this time, I was being told to go home and pack for the hospital.

They had just told me and my mom the horrid news.  No heart beat.   Dead Baby.

Excitement turned to horror.   How do I walk in the door and tell my husband the news?

What are you supposed to say?

You know,  every birth of my kids is etched in my brain, I can relive and analyze parts over and over.

Scotts is the same…despite all the drugs I was ‘allowed’ to have.   

The grief etched on Pats face and my moms face.  

My husband trying to be there for me…but struggling to hold bag the pain and shock…my mom looking lost and torn up….her daughter…in pain.

What a mess.

It has been a year.

The ache and pain have subsided.   I was able to sort and sell some of the baby stuff.   I could talk about it all..I can deal with babies and pregnancies etc.

I am a different person though.

While busy with all the daily chores that life hands out, I have been much more private…much more into looking inward, not stressing out, not freaking, not getting too busy.

For my nosey neighbours, this means I am not a ‘nice person’ anymore…I don’t ‘share enough’ with them…too farking bad, I say.

We had our lovely vacation to Disneyland in April, thanks to my best friend.  It was a healing trip for us all.

We had an amazing time and it was fantastic to be having fun as a whole family.

We have tried to focus on the living and life….in a small cocooned way.

Getting to go to BlogHer this year was great too.   I probably would not have been able to had our little boy been with us.

My sister in law is expecting her first child in March..so there WILL be a March baby finally..just not ours.

I am very excited that my kids will have their own first cousin to love.

We found out what killed our boy….apparently it was something called Parvovirus B19.  It affected how he produced red blood cells.   Parvovirus B19 is what we call Fifth Disease in children.  That is the one where they get a weird rash on their bodies.     

Both my children had it.

In adults the symptoms may not be as apparent.

Since I was sick already, I probably did not notice I had caught it from them.

At least we know.

Scott will be with us forever….his little ceramic box will hold whats left of him with us…..he is part of our family.

I still have the little hospital blanket he was wrapped in when we said goodbye to him.   It still smells like him.

I will forever treasure his little soul.

Ache for the life that wasn’t.

The boy that never was.