So.
Have been TRYING to not really think about it….but.
This coming Wednesday SHOULD be my due date.
I was really doing okay until yesterday. We were getting ready to attend our friends daughter’s first birthday party. Adam told me that the reason he was looking forward to it was because he liked playing with babies and our baby died.
Sigh.
I told him that I too was sorry about that and that it was because I knew he would make a terrific big brother to a baby of our own and Scott would have loved him very much.
He told me that while he was happy that his Nana and Poppa were looking after him up in heaven..he had decided that when he was old and went to heaven he would turn back into a five year old so he could be the special brother he wanted to be for Scott.
What do you do? What do you say?
When my child feels THAT much pain.
A lot of people, including my darling husband, have been telling me I look great.
While this is really nice, a couple of things.
What SHOULD I look like right now?
And – while compliments are great and I love that CH things I am hot and all that…..right now….well right now I should be like a whale and more concerned with trying to reach my feet to get my socks on than how milfish I am looking.
It feels awkward.
While yes, I have felt like shopping for new clothes and trying to feel fresher and ‘newer’ for a new year…..the constant reminders from others how my physical self make me feel uncomfortable.
I know everyone means well and good and it is nice that people DO notice…at the same time it feels like a betrayal to my boy.
The boy who never was.
The boy who didn’t get a chance.
The boy who will be a dream.
The boy who will be a constant ache in our hearts.
I miss you Scott.
The boy who was. Just not for long enough.
I’m right there with you, offering you my shoulder, passing a tissue. YES to all of this.
And Adam? Is an angel. What a sweet boy.
Sweet Momma, I read your comment on I Should be Folding Laundry and came over. I get it. I understand. I lost two wee ones too. One at 20 wks and one at 18 wks. Your boy was. He was real. He was made in God’s image. He was a gift. He was loved…IS loved. And will be always by his momma and daddy. I will be lifting you in prayer on Wednesday.
OH sweet heart.
You just listen, with Adam. I’ve been there. Alex was 4 when we lost Lynda. For months he denied it, when we’d go someplace she normally was he’d entirely expect her to be there. He made up huge stories about what really happened to her, and how she was REALLY coming back.
And then one day he just lost it, he threw a picture of her across the room and broke the glass in anger. Then he went nuts because it broke. And then he cried, harder than I’d ever seen, and for hours. And then he talked. About how unfair it was that God took her, about how she was in Heaven, taking care of Tucker, he even said he wanted to go to heaven to be with her, but would only go if I would too, cause he didn’t want to leave me.
It’s like, right now. I’d love to say something, anything to ease the hurt on your heart. Basically, I’m empty for those right words, I never quiet figured out what they were for myself either.
All I can say is I’m so sorry. This is totally unfair, for you, for your kids, your husband. This is so unjust, and I’m so sorry it happened. I’m sorry your baby died.
And I’m here, if you need anything, okay. I’ll be checking on you.
Adam made me cry. What a special child he is. I am thinking of you and your family.
What a good and gentle heart Adam has. I’m pretty sure when you’re old and go to heaven you’ll get to be the mom to ALL of your kids.
Crunchy I am so sorry for your loss…I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. You know one of my sisters lost 3 babies at 6 month gestation….she and I were preganant at the same time with our first…everytime I think of my eldest daughters birthday I think she should be sharing it with her cousin Sarah….I have never asked my sister how she got through all of that….your son is very insightful…
Anniversaries like this are so difficult.
And your poor son…Loss like this is a monster for adults, through kids in and man. It just gets heartbreaking.
I have a hard time knowing what to say to them. I barely know what to say to myself.
HUGS my friend.
P.S. This is totally, totally off topic, but OMSH is having feeder spam link problems like you and is asking for help. I don’t know how you fixed it, but you may want to give her a yelp if you know how to correct the problem. (www.ohmystinkinheck.com
Adam’s words were very sweet. ((HUGS))
(((hugs))) just (((hugs)))
I saw a link to this post on Slackermama as I was surfing through on Blogexplosion, and thought I’d pop on over.
I totally understand your hurt. My sister had a baby who died unexpectedly at 3 weeks old. It was a devastating time for the whole family, and especially for my sisters eldest Son who adored his baby brother. Seeing him asking where he was, and going through the house looking for him was agonizing.
Taking things one step at a time is the only way to get through something as heart wrenching as this. It seems you have a good support system and that certainly helps. You are in my thoughts.