So…you may have noticed that the mommy blogs are chock full of preggo ladies. And congrats to them all.
It has been making me a tad crazy though. It is a bit depressing for me.
We went to see a ‘specialist’ today…a neonatal or antenatal somethingorother. He had SOME of our files and some of the test results from our blood work and the preliminary autopsy results from Scott.
CH went in a bit feisty. He stated he was feeling defensive and protective of me having to go through the whole story again.
But I don’t mind really. It helps me to run through it all in order. To see if I can see for myself when things went horribly wrong.
After hearing my story and comparing it to what results they had his conclusion was that we lost Scott to some sort of infection. What infection exactly he is not sure. But something hit my son and the placenta just after the 20 week mark and things went rapidly downhill from there. Scott was too small for his age and the placenta was apparently overly large. This was a big sign to the doctor that an infection …possibly related to my cold/pneumonia …was probably the culprit.
However, until they get MORE results in….he can’t be sure. And apparently we could wait a year to get anything from BC Women’s.
Great.
He has promised to try to push things a bit…a least the placental morphology (???) results as he feels this would at least give us the answers we need.
We also talked about being pregnant again. The increasing risks due to my age versus waiting for test results.
He felt that I would probably be ok. Probably. However, he said he would step in and probably have me doing early ultrasounds and blood screening to measure the HcG levels on a regular basis too.
Which is all fine by me.
If we do this again.
Once I can get over the fact that my poor baby died due to uncontrollable circumstances of total fucking bad luck.
Once I can convince myself that I can parent three children. Despite the hard time I have most days with my two.
Once I can convince myself that my needs/wants for a third baby are not totally selfish of me. I keep wondering if my ache to hold a baby is something more. Something lacking in me. Should I not be happy with my two crazy healthy kids?
CH wants another one. But the doubts war in his mind too. And the guilt. And the fear.
Another part of me wonders just how much more time I really want to spend anywhere near laboratories and hospitals.
Do I want to put myself through all this stress and anguish and worry.
Not to mention things like…..
CH still hasn’t decided what to do with his mom’s house.
I would like it on the market. I would like it sold.
I would like us to be looking for our own place.
There is a lot of things to be dealt with in our lives that we really should take care of before we even think of procreating again.
I want zero stresses.
I want NOTHING like last year.
Please keep everyone healthy this year.
Oh and I SHOULD lose some weight and get in shape too. Really…I should.
You’re right. The preggos seem to be everywhere. I can’t imagine how that must feel for you. But just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you sharing your journey.
First, I would like to say that even though I didn’t go through anything near what you have I am not liking the preggos much either, but that is because of my own selfish reasons. I am sure it is much harder on you.
Second, I agree with everything you said, except the stress part. How fun would life be if there wasn’t stress? 🙂
Wish I had words of wisdom for you. I do think if you could patent, mass produce and bottle “Zero Stresses” you and CH could buy whatever house you desired!
I hear you on these questions. I still don’t have the answer for myself and it’s been four and a half years.
:S
I can’t help with much of that, except to say that I hope you get the stress-free year you are hoping for… but here are some of my favourite non-preggo bloggers:
http://www.schmutzie.com/
http://thumbscre.ws/blog/
http://andreaseigel.typepad.com/afternoon/
I was at Sunset today for little girls dance class — could you ever make a gym date 3:15 to 4pm Tues or is that the worsst timing ever?
Thanks for updating us. And, you’ll find some (but not all) of the answers to those important questions.
ps.. thanks for your feedback on Waiting Room I was sorta nervous to say something about the birthful in the context of babies new and babies lost. Meant a lot to have you comment (and the nonlinear one and Mad, too) What a great group we make.