And that means a follow up visit to the doc for any results on what the hell happened.
But she doesn’t have much results back yet and preliminary impressions now were NOT placental abruption. Â Â Â Also, they thought that the baby looked a little small for the developmenal stage, which we thought odd since he had been fine at the 20 week ultrasound.
The doctor really had no answers for us, except ‘act of God’ type of things…but figured that my illness and the pneumonia no doubt had something to do with it all. That I could have indeed coughed the placenta away from the wall. Great.
She did a pap on me and wants to send me for more blood work, including chromosomal stuff for both Crunchy Husband and myself and to send us of to some sort of specialist to see if HE has any more ideas….basically a second opinion, I suppose.
In her mind we should be jumping back on the saddle and going for it again. Clock ticking and all that.
I am torn up about this. On one hand, sure great….if all the doctors give us the all clear AND promise to watch and monitor my progress a lot better, then yes sure, I still want a baby. I feel so lost and cheated out of my little baby.
But on the other hand.  I feel like shit that little Scott is then nothing more than a ‘mistake’ that we learn from. I feel that I was the bad one. That it was my fault that I got pregnant then…at the worse time. A time filled with stress and anguish and between dealing with my dying mother in law and a grieving husband PLUS taking on the extra kids and the stress and mental upheavals I was going through.  It was not the best of times for me in hindsight.
Everything is filled with too much ‘I shoulda’s.’  I shoulda paid more attention to all the aches and pains. Been MORE worried. Been MORE aware. When my cough was bad I should NOT have waited so long. I waited only because I was trying to be a grown up about it. You know, a professional pregnant woman. Not one who freaks at every twinge or non twinge for that matter.  But I should have. I should have listened to my intuition and gut feelings.
I short changed this child in a HUGE way.
I mean really, should someone suffering depression be even THINKING of taking on another child? Some days I can barely handle the one’s I have without losing it.  Should someone who clearly CAN lose it and fall into that pit be responsible for another life? Should I not just be focusing on the family I have? Focusing on making the life we have better?
Should I not be satisfied with the two amazing and healthy children that I do have?
Big stuff. Heavy stuff.
I did however…..look great today…according to CH in my new Eddie Bauer duds.
And today is Robbie Burns Day. Tomorrow my mom is having a wee celebration for her friends with much tartan and of course a wee steamin haggis!
Luckily I managed to find a plaid skirt at Value Village and wait till you see the fab PINK outfit Caity found WITH fuzzy pink poncho. Â Photos will for sure follow.
I need to find a wee dram o’ Scotch for tomorrow I am thinking.
I know you’ll have lots of people saying supportive things, so I won’t go there. I known it’s harsh to suggest it now, but give yourself a break – sometimes really bad shit happens for absolutely no reason.
Suffering depression – yes, and it sounds like you’re experiencing the “excessive guilt” part of depression. This sounds like irrational guilt to me. “It’s my fault for coughing” is not reasonable. Let the situation be irrational, not you.
Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom when it comes to depression. I do know that my mother has always suffered very severely from periodic bouts of depression but I think we were three pretty happy kids.
Best wishes
I have no advice, because I have the same questions for myself when thinking about a third child. The only thing I tell myself is that no one is perfect and we all do our best.
You are doing your best then and now.
Oh sweet girl. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t cause it, or choose it, hindsight is so judgemental in these types of situations. You didn’t cheat Scott out of his life. For some reason, a reason you may never know, life cheated Scott out of his life. I don’t even think God did it, the God I know and love, the God who loves his children as his own, couldn’t possibly break your heart on purpose. I think he was as shocked, and as sorry as you are. Anyway, no one can tell you when you are ready to try again, or even if you’ll ever be. Do I think you deserve your children, yep, and even another baby if you so choose. But it has to be something you and your husband do for each other. I’m praying for you sweet heart, I wont bother saying any of that better days are coming crap, it’s just that. This sucks for you and it sucks for your family and it’s going to hurt, for a very very long time. You’ve been delt a horrible injustice, please, please don’t terrorize yourself further, by trying to place blame on you. Nothing good can come of that sweetie. (((((((hugs))))))))
I am a bit irritated that your doctor is even speculating about it simply because she should know how much you will pick apart and blame yourself for ANY suggestion she puts forth (Although I know that it would be difficult if she didn’t offer an opinion.)
It will drive you insane to think of should haves or what ifs.
INSANE.
You would never have hurt your baby. NEVER. People, kids, animals are endangered every single day and they make it through unscathed.
I had those “Gut Feelings” too, but at the end of the day, you probably have had so many gut feelings that work out ok.
I know that none of this will stop you from feeling the blame, I know it. But this is a situation that you just could not have foreseen. No one could, sweetie.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain. I wish for you that you believe you are in no way responsible for what happened to Scott. As mothers we do the best we can and we must believe that.
I hope what I am about to say is not insensitive but I did have a similar scare in one of my pregnancies and was just thinking about it. In October you mentioned that Caity had Fifths Disease. In a (very) small percentage of cases exposure to this virus can cause harm to developing babies. I wanted to suggest it just in case this might be helpful in you finding answers. Again, I hope I am not out of line. I wish you and your family well.
Oh my lord. I had to read this twice to make sure it was saying what I thought it was saying. I know nothing I will say here will make the heartbreak go away. Please, please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
get the to a therapist, a good one, who maybe has kids and can relate. I think that talking this out with yourself, with a bit of professional guidance, will help you find the answer you are looking for.
I don’t think that having another baby would be skipping Scott over, he was not a mistake. Just like every single child he taught and will continue to teach you lessons on life, love and heartache.
Every pregnancy is a roll of the dice. You can throw them the same way every time and get a different outcome. There really is no room for blame in the situation. It’s a suck thing that happened, and I know you feel like your body failed you, but for your sanity and for your husband and for your children you must must must remember that you did not cause this. ***hugs*** to you