First….thank you all for your kind words.
It has helped. Helped knowing people care and helped knowing that there is (sadly) so many women sharing this pain.
Life truly sucks right now.
Both Crunchy Husband and I feel like we are made of glass. It would not and does not take much to shatter the thin skins of normalcy we try to wrap ourselves in.
Between the shock and horror and grief, my body totally rebelled and a pulled muscle in my ribs on Friday turned into a full body non stop spasm of pain that sent me to the ER on Sunday night.
I was administered two doses of morphine and some other pain thing and wow…..that cotton wool comforter of numbness was lovely. I wish I could be wrapped in that all the time.
It at least did the trick and the constant partaking of muscle relaxants seems to have dulled the pain back to a dull roar.
However, that leaves my mind on other things. Like grief.
I still can’t do quiet. I hate going to bed at night. CH and I spend a lot of time at night just holding each other.  It feels very lonely.
Yesterday we went to a funeral home to see about his cremation and to pick an urn. Something I did not imagine myself doing for a child, let alone an unborn one.
It was all too much.
A friend of mine had kindly dropped off more home cooked goodness for us and being that he and his wife had had a similar experience a few years ago…well, this brought all the pain back. So much sadness.
We had Caity’s preschool Christmas do last night……Almost too much to handle for me. All these happy people. But for our kids sake. A pity our preschool couldn’t get their heads out of their asses to do a better job. It really sucked. No organization and no control of the video hungry hordes of parents STANDING ON CHAIRS so people could see squat.
Anyway.
My mom helped me clean house today and that helped me. The chaos was beginning to annoy me. Now I can relax a bit and haul out some decorations and so on for the kids.
We keep forgetting it is Christmas.
Nothing is bought.
Nothing is prepared.
And we sure don’t feel like doing any of it.
Again, thank you all………
Knowing your are all out there keeps the darkness away.
I’m so sorry. Christmas is not a requirement. Skip it. Seriously. There are enough trees, enough food. Just skip it.
I agree. Screw Christmas.
It’s amazing what we pull ourselves through for our children, isn’t it? When the pain is too much to bear when we are alone, we manage to suck the worst of it up for the kids.
Still – it’s not bad for kids to understand loss.
SO very sorry this happened to you and crunchy husband. Do what you must to heal. I wish I could tell you what that is but I can’t. Just take care~
You and your husband gave your baby all the love, nourishment and shelter possible and I hope that brings some comfort to you and yours, eventually.
I wish I was closer to help with whatever decorating you think the kids would find good enough. Maybe just going around to look at all the lights around town would be enough this year. I agree that you shouldn’t worry too much about making it grand, but also that the kiddos should have some fun.
Be well, be gentle with yourself, let those around you help you as long as you need to.
Unfortunately life does have to go on for us. That, to me was the most difficult thing to grasp. Why in the hell does the world have to go on? Why couldn’t I just stop and wrap myself in a blanket for a week or a month or however long it takes for my heart to stop breaking and then come around when I feel damn good and ready?! I totally and completely understand how you feel, my friend and I hope that your husband can offer you the support that you need right now. Fortunately, I think that our loss brought us closer together. I’m still thinking about you and I hope you know that I’m just an e-mail away if you feel the need to talk. I will listen.
Kerry, I only found your blog a few days ago. I am truly sorry for your loss. I will keep you & the reat of the Crunchy family in my thoughts & prayers.
Marie
You have been on my thoughts and prayers lately. What a terrible thing to endure, what a terrible thing to endure at christmas, when you cant just forget the whole bit, because of your kids. I’m terribly sorry, and I know sorry doesn’t help. Just keep following your heart, don’t expect much of yourself, God be with you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are being prayed for.
Kerry, you KNOW if I had a vehicle I would be there to take a load off of you in some way, anyway! Dishes even, (And I HATE to wash em) Like you helped me a couple of years ago. I never forgot that.
I am thinking of you guys. HUGS
I am so sorry, I just can’t imagine. I wish I knew what to say. Take care of yourself and go for the minimal Christmas, it’s you and your family that’s important.
I could NOT do quiet, either. Not for a long time. It hurt too much.
Everything was totally changed and it took a long time for things to seem less surreal.
The best way that I could equate it to people who had never experienced that sort of life changing tragedy was to tell them how the world felt after 9/11 and multiply it by a million.
I cannot imagine it so close to Christmas. I had three months in between and it was still very tough. I hope that you have a good support system where you are that can help ease the Christmas responsibilites.
Oh, Kerry. Oh no. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could help in some tangible way, but all I can do is send my thoughts to you and your family. I’ll be thinking about you.
Buy presents for the kids (’cause you gotta) but don’t bother with anything else. Maybe your mom would do it for you and then you could just take care of yourself.
I’m so so sorry for you right now. I can’t imagine the grief you’re going through.
No words for you. Saying sorry doesn’t do justice for your terrible loss.
Here in MA thinking of you.
I can not even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I’m so sorry for your loss.
xoxo
I’m sending prayers for strength
Darling this breaks my heart. I am sorry I haven’t been able to read your blog for a bit. My own recent loss seems like nothing compared to what you and your family must be going through. You are strong and you are love, I know you will find the light in this time of darkness and make it shine even brighter than before. Just give yourself time. LOVE LOVE LOVE to you.
Hang in there. You will get stronger. I promise. I know.
Please consider attending a support group of the MISS Foundation – http://www.missfoundation.org. They specialize in exactly what you are going through – you are not alone and the support you will find there is invaluable.
1.888.455.MISS (6477)
I am so sorry. I had two computer crashes and didn’t get back here for a while and was stunned to read this.
My brother was stillborn long before I was ever born, but I feel like he was a big part of our family and I say my parents had six kids.
I’m sorry for this tough time right around the holidays. I hope you can find the comfort you need.
I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.