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April 19!

Oh and check THIS out!

Inspired by all the ladies participating in Flashback Fridays…..

Yesterday we hit the tiny local mall to run a few errands, banking and so on.

Dh suggested we check out the ‘Great Clips’ hair place to see if we could get the kids hair fixed up for their holiday.

I decided for a change to go quite short for Adam..I showed him a photo of a kid with spikey hair and he liked it.  So we came home with a bang  trimmed princess and a very grown up looking little man with short hair.

He has a LOT of hair.

What I did notice though, was the shortness exposed the rather er bumpy road map of his short life as spelled out on his cranium.

Two white scars shine through the short hair.  One I remember, the other I do not.

The other noticeable thing about his head is its er….bumpiness.  He has very lumpy head.

Adam was a rather difficult birth.    He should not have.  But I was new at this birth thing.  My Ob/Gyn was with BC Women’s Hospital..one of the best and connected to the BC Children’s Hospital…also one of the best out there.  I put my faith in him.   I should have realized that his and the hospitals eagerness to offer me as many drugs as possible was probably not really good midwifery.

I should have had a midwife.

I should have been more confident in my birthing abilities.

Honestly, that may not have made a difference.

The pain was amazing.   Now that I have other births to compare it too…it was insane.   There was no break between contractions…I couldn’t catch my breath….my whole body was tense…nothing could bring me down and it was going on and on and getting nowhere.

Throughout all this, my husband, mom and best friend, stoically tried to help me and each other.

Mom had a giant cooler of ’snacks’ for everyone.  It included juice boxes, water and jello fruit cups.

The epidural was an amazing blessing.

Everyone could finally get some rest and I managed to continue to dilate in a far more peaceful way.

Then the pushing had to start.

This was a problem.  I could hardly feel anything due to the epidural…but felt I had to try every position I could to get this ‘thing’ out of me.

I even managed to squat hanging onto that bar…nothing.

Pushed and pushed.

Nothing.

People started to look worried.   People were starting to sweat.

I was getting tired.

They brought out the suction.

We had seen this thing for  the first time at the Childbirth classes.  It horrified us then.

Basically a cup ….like those disposable one’s you get in cafeterias.   A cup with some sort of vacuum pump and a strong er….rope to er…tug on.

The Ob/gyn attached this to the baby’s (Adam) head.  Pumped to create a vacuum and then started pulling.

The sound it made when it POPPED off sent my mom and best friend scurrying to the farthest wall in the room.

I can still see them.  Practically clutching each other, eyes like saucers, watching in pure horror.

My best friend was convinced she could see brains.

The doctor tried this a few times, with the help of the really TOO enthusiastic male nurse hollering encouragements at me and him.

I didn’t work.

The doctor called in a specialist.   They wanted to prep me for an emergency c-section.  It had been over 30 hours now and I could NOT get this kids head out.

So away CH and I go the OR.

Doped up even more on a total body numbing epidural.

Specialist introduced me to large number of people in surgical masks.  Like I cared by this time.

So many people had had serious conversations around my foo foo by this time….did they NEED to be formaly introduced?

Specialists decides to try manually hauling this kid out one more time.  She gets the salad tongs….I mean forceps.

In she goes…yanking and tugging.

Me pushing as much as I can imagine I am pushing since  I cannot feel anything from the neck down.

FINALLY.

Out he comes.

Quietly.

Panic.

Well, CH panics…I am too woozy to really panic.

I lost sooo much blood.

Some oxygen and HE….yes we are told..it’s a boy…is fine.

Fine but with a freaking lumpy head.

We THOUGHT the bumps would go down as his head grew.  They haven’t.

He is a handsome boy.  But you can feel those bumps.

He can never shave his head.

Sorry dude

It is cold.
I don’t have the car today.
I have to walk to pick up the kids.
Momma ain’t happy.

Despite my many manic moods swings….it has been a pretty good week.

Being more ’social’ has certainly picked up my spirits.

I really enjoyed seeing my best bud on Monday.  Sure it wasn’t an ‘adult’ night out, but we had good sushi and a good laugh.  I don’t see her enough.

I enjoyed our only parent friends hanging with us on Tuesday.  Our kids get on great.  Their one year old has got to  be the cutest thing on the planet.    And they lent us their luggage!

Yesterday I had to stop in to see my family doc.  He wanted to make sure I was on a registry for a medication that I had tried before getting pregnant.  I thought it worked great, but stopped because it was too new and didn’t have any information about side effects regarding pregnancy.   I sure don’t need any more things to blame for poor Scott.

I love my doctor.  He is almost a stereotype of what  a family doctor should be like.  He even has this hollywoodish Scottish accent.

Anyway, add him to the list of people who think I look great and thinks I am doing great.

Good.

And mostly I do feel good.

But I worry.

CH and I had a bit of a disagreement on the weekend, and it really affected me.  Probably too much.  I tend to take fights really really seriously and probably dwell (stew) on them waaaay too much.

I also feel like I don’t want to bring up ‘icky’ stuff right now because, frankly, I don’t want to spoil our holiday.

But then part of me feels awful for planning ‘bad’ things AFTER the holiday.

Does any of this make sense?

The biggest thing for me is that we do not have a Will.  I also am a financially helpless SAHM right now.  HOPEFULLY that will be taken care of today.   CH has finally agreed that planning for the worst MIGHT be a good idea.

That helps me.

I am also extremely flattered that he has totally involved me in the design process of his website.   I am really enjoying it.   The team we are working with are fantastic.  This blows our minds after over two years of dealing with TOTAL LOSERS who screwed us over.

All this really gets me fired up about my own webby stuff and I feel I need to really pursue the opportunities out there.

Again.

I was really fired up LAST year too.  Going to BlogHer and everything.   Then life came and kicked us all in the teeth.

Please don’t do that this year.

I HOPE to go to BlogHer this year.   We will see when we get back from Disney.

I am also hoping to get a bunch of the Wet Coast Women together for a ‘meet’ this coming month.   THAT will be exciting.

I need to push myself again.  But push myself in FUN things.

While taking care of the the mundane yucky things…..and NOT dwelling on them.

I need to lighten up.

I need to roll with the punches.

But take charge at the same time.

Hmmmmm

Today was a good day.

I wasn’t feeling anxious.

I wasn’t feeling rushed.

I wasn’t feeling pressured.

I RELAXED in the morning.

Then I headed outdoors with the kids and dog.  I also had my book in hand.

It was sunny.  There was a hint of lovely warmth in the sun.

It slowly drew out more children from the  complex.   Pretty soon Adam and Caity were surrounded by fellow spring breakers.  Bikes were flung about, ramps were built, and then Adam led them off to the woods around the complex to play ‘Star Wars.’

I sat on a park bench nearby and listened for any sounds of dissent or hurt….almost ‘helicoptering’ but not quite.

I read my book.  I ate the chocolates in my pocket.  I listened to the birds.

We did that for over three hours.

Then one by one, vaguely concerned parental units came by to find their kids.  We packed up the bikes and helmets and sidewalk chalk and headed inside.

We waited for the arrival of my  best friend.

We had wine.

We headed out for sushi.  It was yummy.   The kids bemused us with their hysteria and mess.

We came home so Adam could demonstrate Ben ten videos and Caity had to show them her Disney Princess games.

Then there was some Guitar Hero.

No real  tension.

Relaxed.   Not worrying about the big stuff all the small stuff.

I suppose I was not good at the conversations…but I was just enjoying the company.

A good day.

A strange feeling came over me last night….a feeling of dissociation with my own body.

With each pregnancy and all the other tests, illnesses, and what not, I have started to look on my body more as a ….I don’t know….vessel?

I feel very disconnected to my own flesh.

In some ways this is good.  I don’t worry about the extra flab so much.   I can fling on the lingerie (if you call ‘flinging’ struggling with complicated snaps and bits of frippery) and feel okay.     The comfort with my body has come with my disconnect from it.

I no longer approach clothes shopping with such dread….if I can’t squeeze my flab into something, I am no longer crushed into depression about how I have ‘let myself’ go…I GET that I need to get into shape.  But it isn’t having a negative affect on me right now.

We are discussing trying for another baby.   This would no doubt mean months of mental stress, doctors visits and so on.  The pregnancy part ..the carrying someone inside me again, only seems to concern me in a sense that I want to make sure that the ‘container’ is in full working order…..that I take care of the passenger.

Perhaps it is because my husband TELLS me I look good.  HE fills me with confidence.   His admiration for this middle aged container.

How lucky am I?

Yes, it is a lovely Good Friday here.

I am half asleep after a night listening to my darling husband convince me that he does have sleep apnea while sandwiched between my two little angels.

I have a long list of ‘to do’s’ that I would like to accomplish this weekend. Very domestic…cleaning, sewing and finishing up CH’s work taxes.

My MIL’s house is STILL not on the market. CH is still not ready to take that on…..this makes me crazy..but what can I do or say.

We ARE excited about the design firm that he hired for his web work. They actually seem to be grown up and capable. I have enjoyed being part of the process and attending the meetings.

The other day Adam asked if we were going to have more babies. He decided on Sadie for a girl and Alex for a boy. I like those names.

He is such a sweet boy. Mostly.

He was in heaven yesterday because while the girls (Nana, Caity and me) headed to the mall, HE got to sit on his butt and play Star Wars Lego all afternoon.

We checked it out H&M. It was ok…not great. Though the kids stuff is awesome. I have heard it is way better in the states.

So I hope this weekend goes well. I need to spend some time with CH. I think he feels a bit neglected. I was feeling the need this week for being ‘alone’ and I don’t think I was there enough for him.

We must try out those glow in the dark condoms we found. Hur Hur.

Oh yeah…When it comes to Easter and Chocolate in general..I am a bit of a snob.  Even for my kids.   I can’t stand all that cheap ass chocolate where there isn’t actually ANY chocolate in the ingredients.   CH’s family used to buy mounds of that stuff and it ended up in the garbage.  I usually buy the good stuff….expensive stuff.

But the last couple of years have toned this down a bit and just focused on stuff I know the kids will like..you know, the Cadbury’s and all that.

So I loaded up yesterday on chocolate eggs for a hunting and all that…..this was just at the grocery store.  The bill was over $50 bucks!

FOR EASTER CANDY!!!

AACK.

Shit..it just started.

…..Heh.  Caity just walked up to Adam and said ‘Hey Ayam.  Hows it going little buddy?’

Her accent is so bizarre.

So she still has preschool this week, but Adam is off.  This means NOOOOO quiet time for me.   I need quiet time.  No. I do.

Really.

I SUPPOSE I should be planning all sorts of activities for them.  But with budgeting for Disney and my campaign to get CH’s act together….I just really can’t do it.  I barely have enough cash for all the Easter treats!

But please …..I have a ban on certain favoured video games right now as a lesson in time limits and control, and instead I am being subjected to a drama queen boy creature freaking every time I don’t let him do a game or whatever for hours and hours.    The boy has no self control.   EVERYTHING is an argument.  EVERYTHING.

My head hurts.

We saw my Ob/Gyn and the specialist and they didn’t have any other results.  They still feel it was an awful awful fluke.  Some sort of weird infection.  They are ready for us if we want to try again.

Soooo being that we really don’t have a big enough house, CH is contractless and I am getting em..older… I don’t know about that.

CH not to worry about stuff like that…but I do.

I am not ready to worry about baby stuff yet.  Not when there are houses to sell and jobs to find and so on.

Course…..we will get knocked up on vacation or something stupid like that.

Who get knocked up at Disney?

Caity said ‘fucking’ as in ” I am not going to fucking school momma!”

But it sounded really cute.

Sigh.

My period started today.

Caity wigged about going to preschool this morning.   My sympathy was non existent.  All I kept thinking was “By all that is holy, if I do not get two hours of silence today I will lose my freaking mind..you are soooo going to school”

Thankfully CH sensed the danger and got up and ‘helped’ me get her to school.  He was great..he played with her and the other kids till she settled down.

He is wigging about his non work right now.   This is not fun.
Anyway.

Adam brought home his ‘report card.’

“Adam continues to be an inquisitive student who really enjoys working with the computers (playing on YTV.com instead of learning!).  His attitude, effort and behavior, however, require some improvement.  Adam concerns himself with the work of others and must let the teachers know what is going on. (Adam is a busy body) Furthermore, he still rushes through his work, making careless errors.  When things do go his way, or if Adam is asked to correct his work, he raises his voice in objection.  (Really???)  Adam continues to work towards the goals of the Kindergarten curriculum.”

The italics are mine…..if you didn’t get that.

So basically, Adam is exactly the same at school at  home.

Currently he is upstairs weeping and wailing because I asked him to put his books back.  Books that he hauled out last night to read instead of going to sleep at 10 at night.  OOOOOh the injustice.

This in between asking to play Star Wars Lego over and over (video game).  I am now the evil one (beat that Darth) because I won’t let play OR his dad.  Mainly because everytime I say STOP playing there is a huge scene.

I don’t have the patience for the scenes anymore.

He is thrashing around moaning about how life sucks.

Sigh.

Not even 6.