Scott came home today.

This is his little urn.

It was a tough thing to do. We had the kids with us. When Adam realized what was going on, he got very quiet.

Later, he brought over the little memory box we have and asked me to open it and show him all the bits and pieces.

It hasn’t really hit me yet. I am sure it will. Hopefully after the kids have gone to bed.

I was feeling really down this week after all the crazy Christmas stuff….but had managed to have a nice evening out with friends on Friday night. It had been really therapeutic for me. I needed to do something ‘normal.’

I had been okay till my mom had told me how sad she had been when faced with me and a friend’s pregnant daughter in the same room. It had hurt her then.

It hurt today when I was explaining to a neighbour about what had happened and her reaction to me bringing my baby home was ‘ewwww.’ I know she didn’t mean it as it sounded…..and I didn’t say anything……but well, you know.

So Christmas is over and life will trundle on.

The good thing is my best friend ever. She gave us a trip to Disneyland!!! I kid you not. She figured we need 2008 to be a lot happier than 2007 was. Bless her.

So…..onward I suppose.

I will do it…

Singing to Shania.

Last night coming home from an open house it was Celine.  Who is this kid????

Who knew Caity loved country.

She has been singing along to Shania ever since she got it.

More pics to follow…

To all of you out there…..

I want to thank you all for your kindness and compassion.

I love the blogging world.  I consider all you my ‘real’ friends.

To those that celebrate Christmas…..I hope you have a day filled with love and happiness.   The same wish to those that do not celebrate the day.

Peace to you all.

I gotta go boil potatoes!

So it is almost Christmas. I (We) are doing ok.

I have managed to get ready for Christmas despite a stinking cold and everything else.

My doctor called me yesterday to tell me I have pneumonia. Great. But at least now I am on antibiotics, so hopefully it will kick this thing for good.

Mom has stuck by me like glue and helped me out with everything. Now she is sick. Poor mom.

I have to admit I kind of liked NOT freaking about Christmas this year, and having a valid excuse for it. I didn’t do cards and haven’t bought stuff for other people except for mom and and a wee thing for Crunchy Husband. I focused on the kids and even they are having a lighter Christmas than the usual excess.

Not that we do big Christmases anyway. Even when the in-laws were alive…they weren’t into Christmas and had no friends and family, so they were no bother. Our extended family has all drifted apart and so Christmas has been fairly quiet for a while. I like it that way. There is usually open houses and so on…but we are playing it casual. I do hope to see people over the season, but will see how we feel day by day.

So, hopefully mom won’t be too sick, I will be getting better and we are planning a dinner on Christmas Eve that we will drag CH’s grandmother too and then a mellow Christmas day where mom will hang with us and do brunch and we will stay in our pj’s for as long as possible. That is the plan.

CH and I are doing ok. Right now we are ok. I am not a sobbing wreck. We are doing good in that we talk to each other about how we are feeling and so we dealing. Also, being that I have been feeling physically SO rotten…I have to admit being more focused on that and feeling physically healthy again.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be ‘normal.’

I am sure we will still both have our moments. We are waiting for the funeral home to call so we can bring him home. That will be a sad moment.

Telling people who don’t know is tough too..but you gotta do it. I am okay about being around ‘happy’ people now too. You have to. Life goes on.

I am finding though, that some people tend to focus on the sad more than others. My Aunt called last night. She is an amazing and compassionate woman. My Uncle is the same. They are good people. They also experienced a similar horror years and years ago when they were having kids. They remember how it felt.

So instead of having CH do the talk, I spoke to her. She was very worried about how I was doing and feeling and dealing. She seemed a bit taken aback that I wasn’t a monosyllabic sobbing wreck. I think I seemed too ‘ok’ for her.

But honestly…..right now…I AM doing ok……I realize that I won’t necessarily do ok all the time…but right now…I am.

We are still goofing around with the kids. Still having a laugh. That is the type of people we are.

It doesn’t negate the experience or the life lost….that won’t go away. But neither CH or I are the type to wallow. We have experience SO much sadness this year. You can only take so much.

And what is the alternative? To be totally immersed in depression and sadness so much that life stops? We can’t. We have kids. It is Christmas. We would rather have fun with our family.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum.

My brother in law seems intent of having no clue or compassion about what we have gone through. Instead he has been angry that CH has not been paying attention to the things important to HIM.  And yes, there are things that needed dealing with….but the man SHOULD have a clue about why we haven’t been thinking or remembering these things.   I commend CH and is patience with the man.  I could not be so kind.

So life goes on.  One day at a time.   The kids are building up into the preChristmas hysteria.   And I am hoping I can get mom well and rested so that now SHE can enjoy the holidays too.  She has been by my side and chasing and driving kids around since all this happened.  I don’t know what I would have done without her, but also feel bad for her pushing herself so much.

Today is a wet and slushy day today.  We should be staying close to home.  Instead, because of guilt from the brother in law, CH will be shopping for some gift for him and his wife.   I personally would not bother…but we shall see.

Gifts need wrapped.  Kids need dressed.   They are watching Big Top Pee Wee right now.

Life goes on.

So while I am a walking zombie these days….life does go on.   Especially for the kids.

Nana and I took the kids to a ‘Breakfast with Santa’ at the local community centre.   They had a good time.

Face Painting

And clown magic…..

Santa was played again by the creepy guy who looks after the centre’s fish.   But everyone had fun and everyone more or less behaved.

I survived that better than Caity’s preschool Christmas party.  That was hard.  Too many pregnant woman and babies.

I am trying to keep busy.  I feel the black tidal wave of despair hanging behind me all day long.   I stay just ahead of the worst.

Having another cold doesn’t help.

But the house is all decorated and the kids are excited.   We will get through.

We probably won’t get autopsy results till the new year.  My ob/gyn wants to see me in 6 weeks to put me through a series of tests to see if there was anything in ME that caused it.

My regular GP just called and now HE wants to see me on Friday.  He got the stuff from my trip to the ER, so I guess I will share all my sorry adventures with him.

I SHOULD also fit in seeing the therapist.  But when?  Not the right time of year for all this.

First….thank you all for your kind words.

It has helped.  Helped knowing people care and helped knowing that there is (sadly) so many women sharing this pain.

Life truly sucks right now.

Both Crunchy Husband and I feel like we are made of glass.  It would not and does not take much to shatter the thin skins of normalcy we try to wrap ourselves in.

Between the shock and horror and grief, my body totally rebelled and a pulled muscle in my ribs on Friday turned into a full body non stop spasm of pain that sent me to the ER on Sunday night.

I was administered two doses of morphine and some other pain thing and wow…..that cotton wool comforter of numbness was lovely.  I wish I could be wrapped in that all the time.

It at least did the trick and the constant partaking of muscle relaxants seems to have dulled the pain back to a dull roar.

However, that leaves my mind on other things.  Like grief.

I still can’t do quiet.  I hate going to bed at night.  CH and I spend a lot of time at night just holding each other.   It feels very lonely.

Yesterday we went to a funeral home to see about his cremation and to pick an urn.  Something I did not imagine myself doing for a child, let alone an unborn one.

It was all too much.

A friend of mine had kindly dropped off more home cooked goodness for us and being that he and his wife had had a similar experience a few years ago…well, this brought all the pain back.  So much sadness.

We had Caity’s preschool Christmas do last night……Almost too much to handle for me.  All these happy people.  But for our kids sake.  A pity our preschool couldn’t get their heads out of their asses to do a better job.  It really sucked.  No organization and no control of the video hungry hordes of parents STANDING ON CHAIRS so people could see squat.

Anyway.

My mom helped me clean house today and that helped me.  The chaos was beginning to annoy me.  Now I can relax a bit and haul out some decorations and so on for the kids.

We keep forgetting it is Christmas.

Nothing is bought.

Nothing is prepared.

And we sure don’t feel like doing any of it.

Again, thank you all………

Knowing your are all out there keeps the darkness away.

….but you were already gone.

I held you in my arms, but it was too soon for us to meet.

I held you in my arms, and now I miss you so much.

Goodbye baby Scott.

December 6, 2007

 

On Wednesday I went to see my ob/gyn about my cough.   While there we checked for a heartbeat.  There was none.  I was rushed to the ultrasound place.   Many grim faces.  No reassurances.  Told to head right back to the doctors office. 

I was with my mom at the time.  Was told it appeared the baby had been gone for at least  10 days.  As long as this stupid cough had lasted.  I had been so sick I had barely noticed the total lack of movement.

Was rushed to the hospital to deliver my little angel.

He arrived on Thursday morning.   He looked perfect.  Tiny.   Beautiful.

I am only posting because I can’t sleep anymore.   And the quiet haunts me.